this right here, is everything i hate about valentine’s day

the press release says:

“Valentine’s Day carries such an element of surprise we hope this year’s fun love cucumber will get hearts racing, whether it’s in a romantic packed lunch or a lovingly prepared salad.”

are you fucking kidding me?? if giving someone a heart-shaped cucumber is your idea of romance, you have big, big problems.

did people not think this one through? first of all: cucumbers – commonly joked about as masturbatory sex toys. secondly: cucumbers – only really ever eaten as a salad ingredient. which, since most shitty valentine’s marketing is aimed at women, only underscores a crappy diet food subtext. third of all: i don’t get it, who the fuck wants to get a cucumber? is it supposed to generate an “awww”? it’s a fucking cucumber – it doesn’t exactly show depths of emotion or feeling.

and worst of all, this represents the nadir crass, cheap, commercialised, sexist valentine’s day marketing. it’s not bad enough there are already cards and flowers and chocolates and teddy bears, we also have heart-shaped omelette pans, paper clips, key chains, ice cubes… and now cucumbers.

is there nothing people won’t manipulate for cheap sentimentality in the name of profit?

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