for the past few years, i’ve been taking part in the mayfly project: the year in 24 words.

i enjoy the challenge of distillation. when it all boils down to just a few words, what *really* mattered this year?

here, then, the essence of my 2009.

new president, new home, new job, new family members. physiology frustrated, marathon scuppered. running to stand still, but plans afoot for the coming year!

the new year – death cab for cutie

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a british man in china was convicted of drug smuggling and put to death this morning.

that, in itself, is sadly not shocking in the least. china has long had a history of summarily executing people for non-violent crimes – something which the international olympic committee chose to overlook last year, and which most western countries, even those with the death penalty themselves (united states, i’m looking at you), choose to excuse in the name of global economics (or indebtedness – united states, i’m looking at you).

what i’ve found shocking is the number of britons who are either apologists for it, or chiming in with agreement.

the comments in most op ed pieces, or online polls, are truly shocking. to me, anyway.

here i thought i lived in a country which (along with the rest of the EU) had long since condemned the death penalty as a barbaric practice which has no place in modern society. and outwardly, politicians will tell you that’s true. but scratch the surface of that genteel british veneer and you find people saying stuff like:

“I’ve seen the dark side of drugs and what they do to a community. There is NO punishment too harsh to counter the evil that comes with drugs — especially heroin.”

“A dose of chinese justice would not go amiss in the treatment of drug smugglers in the UK. This execution will benefit sick chinese people who will receive vital organs transplanted from the criminal. No damage to the vital organs is ensurred by a precise shot to the back of the neck. Thus out of evil some good is obtained.”

“They should do the same thing with murderers over here in my opinion, for the same reason – it sends out a powerful message that there are some offences that are so bad that, if you commit them, you will pay the ultimate sanction.”

“the chinese made the RIGHT decision. pity the british government dont follow suit and make a dent in the uk drug problem!”

“Maybe if we had a legal system like China we’d have less problems with ferral drug addled layabouts in this country.”

“A good drug smuggler is a dead one.”

(and lest you think these comments are culled from the right-wing daily mail or sun, they’re from the guardian and bbc websites, every one of them.)

now, perhaps that’s not representative of the british public at large, but i have to say that my sense is that it’s more representative than i would like to admit. much like the backlash which has garnered the bnp so much support recently, i believe the same is happening here.

people are dissatisfied with the status quo – and expressing it in some truly ugly ways.

it’s typical, really. when we can’t figure out how to really solve a societal problem, we revert to advocating the most simplistically crude and unthinking course of action possible: killing.

it’s so discouraging – i thought that having left the u.s. (where the popular alternative of locking up drug users and dealers alike en masse is nearly as stupid and useless) i would no longer have to endure the kind of bloodthirsty and vengeful arguments for the death penalty that are so common there.

more fool i. the public are disgusted with their government. people are clamouring for change. and the pendulum will continue to swing to the far right until they have it.

* and the post title is a nautical saying to remind sailors which side to keep of the buoys, but it sprang to mind today as being alliteratively apt.

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tomorrow’s my birthday, and so i present to you 37 things i’ve learned along my 37 years. i started this a few years ago now, and i quite like the ritual of it – it puts me in a positive frame of mind to face the coming year, and allows me enough self-reflection to feel a bit wiser for my age.

so here we go:

1. waxing is *not* better than shaving. no matter what anyone says.

2. trying to get back to the weight of your 20s is futile. nature is conspiring against you on this one.

3. ditto #2 for the face.

4. a real xmas tree or none at all.

5. forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, and the freedom it brings is priceless.

6. giving really is better than receiving. and there is always something you can give.

7. simple meals done well are better than fancy meals that never get made.

8. things worth spending money on: good sheets, good coffee, good shoes.

9. things not worth spending money on: nylons, name brand ibuprofen.

10. the best things in life are still free. snow days, running, moonlight, footrubs.

11. the amazing thing about humans is that we are always capable of change. never give up hope that people will change for the better.

12. then be there for them with open arms when they do.

13. the internet has made expat life immeasurably better. email, video, voice, facebook. even in the past seven years, it’s made a massive difference to my world.

14. but sometimes nothing can substitute for being home.

15. the best friends are also family.

16. and the best families are also friends.

17. never take a working boiler for granted (she types with frozen fingers whilst awaiting the arrival of the plumber).

18. resolve never to take your partner for granted. you inevitably will, but it’s so important to try not to.

19. some people will cling to the illusion of security above all else: truth, justice and freedom. try not to judge them for needing it so badly.

20. health is merely the slowest possible rate at which we can die.

21. but access to healthcare is a basic human right which should never be dependent on how much you earn.

22. if you have the opportunity to go to school, always do it now, rather than later. my one regret is that i didn’t go to grad school when i had the chance earlier. it gets harder later.

23. people’s beliefs are so intimate, so personal – when you criticise their beliefs, you criticise their heart. try to be respectful, even when you vehemently disagree.

24. if you treat people with respect, you’re more likely to be respected.

25. choose your battles carefully – life is too short to spend it being angry all the time.

26. the iphone is even better than the hype.

27. “Serenity is what we get when we quit hoping for a better past.” -Alanon

28. you make your own luck in this life – sitting around waiting for a stroke of luck never worked for anyone, and wishing doesn’t make things so.

29. risotto is worth learning to make from scratch.

30. whimsical socks make me happy – even when i’m having an otherwise shit day, i can look down and see frolicking penguins. it’s hard to be unhappy when your feet are smiling.

31. if you’re talking, you’re not listening.

32. you can tell people you love them, but if they don’t feel heard, they don’t feel valued. so shut up and listen already.

33. you will spend your whole married life renegotiating three things: money, sex, and the thermostat.

34. give love unreservedly and often. lavish people with love. you will never be in short supply of it, and you will never be sorry for having done so. if we have nothing in our cupboards and nothing over our heads, we will always have love to give in abundance.

35. never be afraid of sounding like a sentimental fool.

36. getting older gracefully is not about letting go of little vanities – it’s about letting go of the struggle to be something you’re not.

37. if your 20s didn’t kill you, nothing will.

the birthday wars – oxford collapse

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now that i live an ocean away from my family, we usually don’t exchange gifts at Christmas. but the other day i saw a link to this charity gift card website, and thought it would be a really nice idea. so i sent everyone a small denomination giftcard which they can then donate to the charity of their choice. as part of the message going along with the giftcard i wrote:

This year I thought people would like the opportunity to pass on some good to any cause that is near and dear to their heart. Our family is so lucky, we have more than enough cheer to spread around

and while that it technically true – my family are lucky in that we all, thankfully, have enough to eat, shelter, and clothe ourselves – upon reflection, i think i’ve probably been a bit insensitive. i was really speaking only for myself – because while *i* have enough money to donate to others, others in my immediate family are definitely not as well-off. in fact, there are some in my family who probably could have made good use of that $25 themselves.

talking about this makes me a bit uncomfortable, actually. truth be told, i’m fairly well-off in comparison to many – i live in an expensive city, yet still have enough to do things like travel, go out to concerts, give nice gifts, and generally not worry too much. in fact, i live a fairly cushy lifestyle by some standards. that’s not to say that jonno and i don’t work hard, or watch our spending in other ways. but overall, we are extraordinarily lucky to have not only enough, but more than we need.

others in my family have it a bit harder. there are some who’ve had to rely on public aid. there are some who’ve had difficulty finding steady employment. there are some who worry about keeping the jobs they have. there are some who make ends meet – but only just.

and to be perfectly, excruciatingly honest, this is the only time it has occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, it might bother them that i have certain financial freedoms that they don’t.

don’t get me wrong: there’s no one in my family who would let any one of us go without. but charity is a luxury available only to those that have a surplus. that’s a luxury that some of my family just don’t have.

if i critique my motives, i know that my heart was in the right place. but i have to wonder if perhaps i was so caught up in making the gesture to make myself feel good, that i never considered whether it was something that would make others feel good. if i wasn’t giving what i wanted to give, rather that what others would want to receive.

how’s that for selfish? i never stopped to think about it at all.

they say there is no such thing as a truly altruistic act, and i suppose i proved that to be true. but maybe even if my magnanimous gesture wasn’t such a great present for everyone else, at least it gave *me* something in return – a little self-awareness, a little sensitivity, and a little reminder of something i’d clearly forgotten. that no matter how well-intentioned, Christmas is not about the giving – it’s about family.

and what a gift that is indeed.

god knows (you’ve got to give to get) – el perro del mar

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little tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower

who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly

i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don’t be afraid

look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,

put up your little arms
and i’ll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won’t be a single place dark or unhappy

then when you’re quite dressed
you’ll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they’ll stare!
oh but you’ll be very proud

and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we’ll dance and sing
“Noel Noel”

~little tree, by e.e. cummings

christmas time is here – vince guaraldi

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there are nights in our history that my family don’t talk about. nights where the calm of domesticity and image of family was shattered into a million sharp pieces that left us all scarred.

it is enough to say that much. in fact, i’ve probably said too much.

but this is not a post about the things that happen to a family, or the things that happened to our particular family. i’ve long since come to understand that all families have their hidden scars. given enough time, they eventually form part of the strength that hold us together – or sometimes, hold us apart. the shared bond and shared vulnerability of having survived – without words, we share a story.

and the thing is not that every family has them – because every family does. the thing is that we forget that others don’t know. me: i forget that others don’t know. i forget that people who did not know me during my twenties, don’t know what a massive crater those things that happened left in me, for so very long. they have no idea that i was not always whole.

there are people whom i’ve known for many years, who helped me live through some of those times, so they understand that there are things that are redacted from my past. for a very long time, the things that happened to my family were a source of pain that was sometimes so all-consuming that i was a walking, weeping wound. they felt like *the* defining characteristic of my family, and by extension, a defining characteristic of me.

(and just as my family doesn’t talk about those scars amongst ourselves, i do not tell the story of others in my family – those versions, those experiences are not mine to tell, and as much as i am open about myself, i am very private about most other people in my family.)

but friends i’ve made in the past ten years have no idea. and i forget that they don’t know. this post came about because i was with a friend in a pub the other day, and on a tangent of our original discussion, i found myself filling in the backstory to some of my own darker days. i had forgotten, you see, and said something along the lines of, “you know how when such-and-such happened…” and the blank look of complete non-recognition fell across her face.

so why is that remarkable in any way? because the friends i’ve made in the past ten years have no idea. those scars? they’re faded. the pain that once left gaping wounds in my heart for all to see? it’s no longer the hole at the center of my life. it too, has faded into memory. i can tell you where and how things shattered – but it is no longer the central, defining story of my family. it no longer defines me. in fact, i forget that many of my friends don’t know.

and the miracle of that forgetting?

that tells me i’ve healed.

change of heart – el perro del mar

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seems there’s a meme going around where people write letters to their younger selves.

i thought about writing one myself – but in my case, it wouldn’t ring true. you see, while most people experienced the teenage angst of wanting to be an adult, or feeling that they were waiting for their lives to *begin*, i never really went through that. for me, that exhilarating freedom that comes with the autonomy of shaping your world and who you are, in accordance with no one else’s rules but your own… for me that happened at thirty.

i was thinking about that as i approach my 37th birthday in just a few weeks time. i always have this funny game in my head where i start thinking of myself as older long before the actual turn of the calendar. so really, i’ve been thinking of myself as 37 for a while now, and it has long since occurred to me that 37 is much closer to 40 than i realised.

i suppose i expected that, much like my dramatic and prolonged run-up to 30, i would be filled with dread at that prospect. after all, unless you’re planning to live to 100, 40 is truly “middle aged”. i expected to be struck down early by the doom of a “mid-life crisis” (seeing as how i tend to be ahead of the curve on such things – hell, i had a quarter-century crisis long before they became fashionable).

and perhaps i would be, if, like my 27 year old self, i felt i was living someone else’s idea of an expected life. if i had kids and a mortgage and a car and a flatscreen tv and a responsible career and parent-teacher nights and remodelling projects and vacations to disneyworld and retirement accounts and the local pizza place on speeddial and a sensible haircut and a life insurance policy and the prospect of another 40+ years of the same, i’d be absolutely despondent. i mean no offense to anyone else who has those things. they are good, honest and true things, and they were the things i was headed towards because they were what i thought i was *supposed* to want. but once i threw off those expectations, i realised they were not my idea of a life.

but where i am now is so vastly different from where i was then. the other day jonno and i were discussing where we want to live next – new zealand, australia, or canada? we are discussing the possibility of doing another few months of travelling. i am readying myself to begin training for another marathon. the other day i had to go buy more dishes and silverware for my thanksgiving dinner, and i kinda resented it – for the past three years, we’ve had exactly four forks, four plates, four glasses, and i’ve loved that minimalism. in a few minutes, i’m heading out to the pub for a few drinks. on a school night. because i can. i have a job i could leave in a heartbeat, but provides a decent lifestyle, so i stay on. i have enough money to do the things i really want, and enough flexibility to do them. in short, i *love my life*.

and i live it according to no one’s expectations, no one’s rules but my own. it took me 30 years to achieve a life of my own, and i feel as though i’m just getting started.

if the past six years are anything to go by, i’ve got everything i ever wanted to look forward to.

so bring on 37. hell, bring on 40. i can’t wait to see what’s in store.

possibilities – frankie and the heartstrings

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now that it’s officially december, and only 3 short weeks until christmas/my birthday, i like to give those who may need multiple gift ideas for me (read: jonno) a few helpful hints. with that in mind, i present my annual “gimme gimme gimme” list!

tokyomilk “honey and the moon” perfume.

i very rarely fall in love with perfumes this quickly, but i love this – it’s sweet and spicy, and just a little bit complicated. unfortunately it’s only available either shipped internationally, or at the new anthropologie store on regent street. but it’s a steal at about £25

alternatively, fresh “sugar” perfume.

in a word, delicious. this has been on my wishlist for years now, and now there’s an actual fresh store in london!

the crumpler new delhi 230 camera bag

now that i have a camera worth protecting, and extra lenses to lug, i need a new camera bag. but this also wonderfully doubles as a regular messenger bag when you remove the camera pouch! so i can use it as an all in one when i want to bring my camera but also need to stash my wallet/keys/etc, but also not look like a big dork if i use it for other stuff.

a philips wake up light alarm clock

i’ve heard people rave about these for years. in the winter, my sleep gets all kinds of messed up, and prising my eyes open in the pitch-black morning is pure torture. i’ve heard tell that these alarm clocks help wake you up gently over the course of a half hour, and you awake feeling alert. which would be a fine change from my generalised discombobulation.

sonicare toothbrush

i want to upgrade my electric toothbrush. nuff said.

almost forgot! some yoga blocks

i’ve been working on my jump through for a year now, and still can’t manage it with straight legs. so i need some blocks to practice. and hey! cheap present!

and finally at the other end of the spectrum: an imac

i admit it, i want one. my first ever computer was a mac, and since i got my iphone earlier this year, i remembered why i loved them so much. my current computer is already 3 years old, and starting to show signs of wear. however since they start at £900, i have a feeling santa won’t be dropping one down my chimney any time soon.

so there you have it – my greedy little heart, version 2009. truthfully, though, i’d be so happy with just the company of good friends, some good food, and peace and health for all my loved ones.

but if you were on your way out to the apple store, i won’t stop you…

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another year, another post about world aids day.

year after year, i write about the global aids statistics. year after year, they tell the tale of how this virus ravages those who are most vulnerable – the poor, the young, the weak.

this year, though, there is some good news mixed with the grim: although there continue to be more and more people living with hiv/aids, the global pandemic is officially in decline.

unfortunately, even in the face of some of the best news since this epidemic began, there is a very sobering statistic : the world health organisation reports that hiv is the number one killer worldwide of women of reproductive age.

that means all those public health policies that work to combat hiv/aids disproportionately affect women – they are policies about women’s health. women are more at risk for hiv/aids for both biological and sociological reasons, and there is “strong evidence of the link between gender based violence and hiv”.

and therefore the funding cuts looming in this shaky economy will disproportionately affect women, and threaten to undermine the hard-won gains that have been made.

now, more than ever, it’s important to keep fighting. after decades of campaigning and fundraising and marching and wearing ribbons, we finally have some progress to show for our efforts – we can’t allow it to backslide!

i’m going to try (again) to run the edinburgh marathon this coming may, and will be fundraising for the hiv/aids fight.

isn’t there something you can do? it makes a difference to so many.

2.7 million people were newly infected last year, and 2 million people died.

but where there is help, there is hope.

if 2 million is too hard to wrap your brain around, this year remember just one person.

and then do something for them.

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