there is a british idiom which is so perfect in its meaning for the expression it is meant to convey: gutted.  when you are gutted, it feels like someone has just ripped your insides out, like something has just torn you up inside.  destroyed you from the inside out.  devastated.

i went out for a six mile run this evening, came home, withdrew my entry from the edinburgh marathon, and cried.

for the past three weeks (ever since my 20 mile run) i’ve been battling hip pain, to the point where i’ve barely been able to run at all.  the physiotherapist diagnosed bursitis of the hip  – the cushion of fluid that allows the tendon to glide over bone becomes inflamed and painful.  it can come from overtraining, and/or iliotibial band syndrome.  probably a combo of the two since i haven’t been able to do my yoga in the past 6 weeks, whilst simultaneously racking up lots of milage.

i’ve run through lots of pain before, stubbornly and ill-advisedly.  i once limped with gritted teeth through the last 10 excruciating miles of a marathon, popping insane amounts of ibuprofen, i was so determined to finish.  but if it hurts this much after just 6 miles, i’ll never make it for 26.  not in five days time, not for more than four hours of running.

the only thing worse than having to drop out now, would be having to drop out midway through.  i’m trying to comfort myself with that thought.

still, i’m crushed, and can’t pretend otherwise.  to come so close, to have trained so hard… and have to give it up.  i know people won’t understand why it’s so hard for me to accept. i know i means nothing to anyone else.

but i meant an awful lot to me.

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