life is pretty crazy at the moment.  i’m acting up into my boss’s position – which means i’m suddenly managing a whole team with year-end deadlines to meet this week.  we’re moving this weekend – with no boxes, no preparation, and no time to pack.  oh, and in between all that, i’m in the last big weeks of my marathon training, with a 20 mile run scheduled for saturday.

so, the past two weeks i’ve been working late, coming home, going running for an hour or two, trying to pack, then falling into bed.  fun.

it’s madness, and i’m knackered – physically and mentally worn *out*.  in between, i’m feeling stressed, excited and melancholy all at once.

so: if all goes well, you may hear from me on monday.

if not, send out a search party.

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i’m in love with maru the cat. mostly because he does all the same kinds of silly things zeke does, but that i can never seem to capture on camera.

here are a few classic maru videos.

zeke also likes to hop into the recycling container

or any empty box

and hide under the covers.

he’s not as cute as maru though

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we’re moving again.

change stirs up so many emotions for me – i get far too attached to people, places and stuff, yet feel a constant compulsion to wrench myself away from all those things i care about most.  i’ve got friends strewn in far flung places, my family an ocean away.  i’ve got boxes of art, books, mementos and items of priceless sentimental value in random damp basements in multiple cities.  moldering, waiting for my life to reform in some semblance of stability.  i often wonder when/if i’ll ever actually wake somewhere and see my photos on my walls, my books on my shelves.  when/if i’ll ever be back on the same continent as my family.  to have things that are dear to me, be near to me.

and this flat, which i needed so badly to be a home, which i’ve grown to love in spite of its size… we’ve outgrown it now, like a too-tight skin.  this place which has been my sanctuary, will soon be just another memory.

it’s a schizophrenic life with pieces of me scattered all over the place.  i wonder if i’ll ever be able to stop mentally adjusting for time zones every time i pick up a phone.  if i’ll ever truly settle.  if i actually truly want to.  there’s the piece of me that wants nothing more than to find a place of contentment and stay put, and the piece of me that can’t wait for whatever next new thing might be around the corner.

and i’m always left longing in equal measure for the possibilities i imagine ahead, and the things i’ve left behind.  torn right down the middle of my heart.

i will miss this place.

arcade fire – burning bridges, breaking hearts

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jonno brings home a new set of electric clippers, starts taking them out of the box, testing them out.  he eyes up the cat.

jonno: “would you like to be a punk, zeke?”

zeke: *meow*

(i swear to god, they actually do “talk” to each other. funniest thing i’ve ever seen.)

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boris johnson, the buffoon mayor of london, made a campaign pledge to fund four rape crisis centres around the city – a resource sorely needed in a city where reported rapes increased by 14% last year alone, yet only 6% of all rapes result in a conviction.  just a year ago he said:

I have made it a key Manifesto pledge that I will use GLA funding to substantially increase financial support to the charity sector working with the victims.   There is currently only one Rape Crisis Centre in London – located in Zone 5.  I will provide the funding for four new Rape Crisis Centres in London, paid for by reducing spending on the Mayor’s personal press officer budget.

today he reneged on that pledge.

in related news, the cab driver who was convicted of a dozen serial rapes over 18 months, (and suspected of attacking up to 85 people back as far as 2002), was sentenced to at least 8 years today.  he went unapprehended for so long in part because the sex crimes unit of the metropolitan police was understaffed and in disarray.

yet boris outlined a new domestic violence strategy in which he says:

For any plan to work we must have the police, local authorities, community organisations, health sector and criminal justice system all working together across borough boundaries. We also need to get tougher. Tougher on the perpetrators of violence, who currently enjoy a ridiculous level of immunity, and tougher on the attitudes that condone violence against women.

no kidding boris.  tell me when you’re willing to get serious about it, instead of just paying lipservice. actions speak louder than words.

women in london deserve better.

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the government finally reports on what’s long been known: the children’s care system is a crime against children. outcomes for children taken into care are incredibly poor – they leave school with few qualifications, and no support, often turfed out of the system at age 16(!!!).  within two years, half are unemployed, nearly 20% homeless.  fully half of those under 25 in jail have been in care, as have one third of the entire prison population. nearly half have mental health needs.

as i’ve mentioned here numerous times before, it’s much the same in the states.  children “age out” of the system and end up poor, incarcerated, pregnant or on drugs.  the statistics are astounding, shameful.

these are the kids who’ve already been through more hardships in life than anyone, much less a child, should ever have to experience – parents who were unable or unwilling to care for them properly, no real family to call their own, no feeling of security, bounced around from foster home to foster home, abused, neglected, unloved, afraid… alone.

and instead of doing everything humanly possible to ensure that they are cared for, protected, educated, and supported to become successful adults, we fail them over and over and over again.  they spend their most formative years in lonely and uncertain limbo, and are then thrust into the world and expected to fly.

they are falling.  the most vulnerable children and young adults are falling into the cracks and gutters of the system, of our society.  tomorrow they will fall off the front page.

how can we continue to let it happen?

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i’ve not said much about my boston bruins success (eastern conference winners, thank you very much!) for fear of *the jinx*.

but tonight begins the road to the stanley cup, i feel sure of it!  we face off against the hated habs later today.  for the first time since the lockout season, i like our chances. go bruins!

via andy, a bruins funny:

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with only seven weeks to go until my upcoming marathon, andy said last night, “it’s a form of extremism.”

jonno said, “surely you’ve proven your point after three.  why do another one?”

i had a lot of time to ponder these comments today, as i spent the better part of three hours running.  they sprang to mind towards the end of 16 miles, when my feet were hot and aching, when my face was crusted with salt, when my clothes and hair were dripping with sweat, when my ligaments were as contracted and stiff as piano wire, when my stomach had long passed the point of painfully empty, when my leg muscles were burning to quit, when i was so tired i honestly didn’t think i could continue on.

and yet i did.

this is it.  this is what lies at the core of pushing myself to extremes: it is doing that thing which i think i cannot do.  it’s not to prove a point to anyone but myself – because no one sees you when you’re at mile 13 on a training run and struggling, or limping home with a pulled muscle after just four.  no one is impressed by that.   it’s reaching that point when i want to stop because things are too hard, too scary, too overwhelming… and getting past it.  because each and every time i get beyond the limitations of my fears and doubts and exhaustion, whether at mile 6 or mile 26, feels like a triumph. i feel like i can do anything.

i feel *invincible*.  that’s worth it all.

(and let’s face it: the nice muscle cut just above the hip is pretty cool too )

the acorn – crooked legs

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cherry blossoms always remind me of you.

we walked along the common, dusk rising up around us, the deep rose purple bruising the early evening sky, the soft light of gas lamps gentling the darkness.  it had been an unseasonably warm spring day, and as we walked beneath the bower of budding branches that stretched the length of the avenue, a breeze stirred a wild blizzard of petals to shower down, enveloping us, glowing against the dark, the scented confetti adorning our hair, swirling and eddying around our feet.

it was a perfect, enchanted moment, like a scene from a movie, or perhaps a wedding.  we smiled at each other in the twilight, and i nearly reached for your hand.

air – cherry blossom girl

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a day late, but worth the wait – yesterday’s opening day marks the start of (what i predict to be) another fantastic red sox season.  teddy kennedy threw out the first pitch to new hall-of-famer and one of my personal baseball heros, jimmy rice.  the boys walked down through the stands to greet the fans on their way to the field, then bested the rays for the win.  bring on the baseball!

(photo from boston.com)

(photo from boston.com)

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marriage equality is now the law in vermont. the first to do so by legislative vote.

4 down, only 46 more to go.

edited to add: and washington d.c. voted to recognise same-sex marriages performed in other states. what a wonderful, wonderful day!

what began five years ago in massachusetts, has been slowly gathering steam. someday soon, the supreme court of the land will have to take a stance. a stance that says one of the most bone-true principles of civil rights – that separate but equal is *not* equal – applies to all citizens. that legal discrimination against people based on sexuality, violates our most cherished and oft-stated belief:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

someday soon. not today, and maybe not tomorrow. but soon.

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i must really love my husband, because i really hate flat hunting.  the hours spent sifting through thousands of internet ads, all either slick with deception (a stylish two bedroom cottage house with delightful private rear garden – great location, ideal for a professional couple!) or full of crazy.

like crazy ideas of geography. for the record: streatham is not tooting.  mitcham is not tooting.  stockwell? sorry, not tooting.

or crazy ideas of distance.  being nearly 1.5 miles from the tube station is *not* “moments away”.  nor is it “conveniently located”.

or crazy photos.  is this supposed to make me want to rent your “delightful 2 double bedroom flat in great condition, spacious and modern”?  really??!??

how about this “great size double bedroom”??

and this is supposed to show… “heaps of character”?

this is the only photo of a “2 bedroom garden flat”.  enticing, no?

this estate agent was a particularly talented photographer.  god only knows what these photos are supposed to be featuring.  someone actually waited for these to upload.

and this piece de resistance is a “stunning luxury flat”

i don’t know about you, but i’m sure stunned.

so there’s the deception and the crazy, but also the disappointment.  asking to view a particular advertised flat, but the estate agent taking you to see one you’ll “like better”… at £200 over your max budget.  getting excited about one place that ticks all the boxes and thinking you’ve secured it, only to find out there was a miscommunication and another couple had already put down a deposit.  taking a sunday afternoon off to see a place that looks lovely in the photos, but cheerless, dingy and dark in real life.

i know we’ll find a place eventually.  but it’s just such a thoroughly depressing cycle of expectation and disillusionment.  this is why i hate flat hunting.

i swear – we are never moving again.

ben kweller – my apartment

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iowa joins massachusetts and connecticut in allowing same-sex marriage.

and yesterday sweden voted overwhelmingly to recognise same-sex marriage.  they join the netherlands, belgium, spain, canada, and south africa.

the march of progress may be slow, but it is sure.

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i never really “got” april fool’s day.  it always struck me as one of those things that’s only funny if you’re 10 years old or younger – and most times, not even then.  i’m not a natural joker, and have a hard time lying convincingly, so i never really paid it much attention.  needless to say, it seems to be a big thing over here – consequently, i have repeatedly been one of those people who always gets caught out by the fake news item or prank, and feels like a dolt for the rest of the day.

so as i was going into a team meeting this morning and something uncharacteristically popped into my head, i thought i’d try my hand at pulling off an april fool’s joke of my own.  at the end of the meeting, when we got to the “any other business” item on the agenda, i cleared my throat and put on my best sombre face.

“i just wanted to let people know that i’m going to be leaving ………”

i looked across the table as my boss’ face fell in exaggerated comic slo-mo, and couldn’t contain myself.

“bwaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!!  april fools!!”

turns out, it’s not that funny.

(also: apparently there’s some unwritten rule that says all april fool’s jokes pranks must be perpetrated before noon.  at 12:30, i was in clear violation of the code.)

sigh.

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