the past few years, i’ve been taking part in the mayfly project: summing up the past year in just 24 words. so here, then, is my 2008.
becoming british, taking chances and making change. america’s dreams fulfilled, my canada dreams denied. loose ends at year end. regroup, reflect, renew next year.
it’s been nearly another full rotation of the earth around the sun – that cycle that we mark off in marching days, in pages turned. in my earlier birthday post, i mentioned that this year i’ve had a much more heightened awareness of the speeding up of time – an acute sense of the fleeting nature of seasons which has become honed. it’s an old truism that time passes more quickly as you get older – i’m not sure why this year in particular that has come into sharp focus, but it has.
this year has gone by so quickly, i feel as though i missed some parts – like when you’re watching a movie and look up to realise that the plot has moved on without your noticing, or try to speed read and skip out the finer details. i cast my mind back over the 2008 and wonder just what happened – i’m left with only vague impressions of moments and events. and how do you encapsulate that in totality? it’s impossible, yet we still try, at the end of every year, to do so.
so here’s the speed reader’s version of my past year.
my best moments of 2008:
racing and pacing and plotting the course
my worst moments of 2008:
my first (and hopefully last) trip to a&e
my personal best posts of 2008 (for reasons known only to me):
i did before and had my share, it didn’t lead nowhere
so many places you’d prefer to be
a movie script ending, and the patrons are leaving, leaving
i know you have a lot of strength left
the sun is arisin’, most definitely
morocco was fantastic. i took wayyyy too many pics. will get some links with all the photos up soon
our flight to marrakech leaves at 6am tomorrow morning, so i’ll use this opportunity to wish everyone a very merry christmas, wherever you are!
got to hang with my friend stacey who was passing through london for a day, and we spent an evening wandering around down by the southbank, then going to see this show. bizarrely enough, with all the pics i took, i somehow didn’t get a pic of the two of us. go figure.
but i love hanging out at the southbank at holiday time.
the other day i read, “having birthdays is a good thing. consider the alternative.”
wise words. i’m off for holidays soon, so in that vein, i’m going to try to reprise last year’s birthday post a few days early – here are 36 things things i have learned in life thus far, (or been particularly reminded of this year):
1. life is too short to work at a job you hate.
2. change, while scary, almost always has its rewards.
3. time really does speed up the older you get. that’s sad, but good to know.
4. any american child can grow up to be president. (thank you obama!)
5. i’ll never see my natural hair colour again.
6. even the best relationship takes work.
7. your relationship with yourself takes work too.
8. yoga does a body good.
9. so does running.
10. you’re never too old to start over. in many ways, starting over is a way of staying young.
11. don’t count your chickens before they hatch. and always have a plan b. (thank you, canada.)
12. if you are unhappy and do nothing about it, you are complicit in your own misery.
13. everyone should have socialised healthcare. the freedom of not having to worry about insurance when something goes wrong is indescribable. (thank you, nhs.)
14. strangers can be incredibly generous. someone i’ve never met or spoken to donated the last £44 to help me meet my unicef goal. (thank you, john m, whoever you are.)
15. cats can deprive you of more sleep than babies – after a year, babies sleep through the night. try telling that to a cat. (thank you, zeke.)
16. traditions are wonderful. but sometimes doing something different is pretty great too.
17. love multiplies itself.
18. it is impossible to explore the world without exploring yourself.
19. perfection doesn’t exist. as humans we are fundamentally flawed, but we never stop trying – that’s a far more noble purpose than being perfect.
20. saying “i’m sorry” is incredibly powerful. and liberating.
21. *always* sniff milk before pouring.
22. never take the person at the other end of the couch for granted. (thank you, jonno.)
23. apparently, you’re never too old to get acne. fantastic.
24. being a new citizen is a humbling experience. i think everyone should go through it. (thank you britain!)
25. “liberal” is not a slur.
26. there is no god. though i really wish there was.
27. you only lose your dignity when people stop treating you with any.
28. root canals bite.
29. keep a journal, no matter how infrequently. it’s important to have designated space for your thoughts.
30. if you let fear in, it will never let you out.
31. the best friends are those you can pick up after years, seamlessly, knowing that you were never any less important to each other for the missing. (thank you, my friends.)
32. if you’re not wholly happy within yourself, no one else can make you so.
33. being wholly happy within yourself takes work.
34. high heels make your feet hurt, but your ego sing.
35. no man is an island.
36. having birthdays is a good thing. consider the alternative.
i recently went to the salon for a haircut. it had been quite a while since my last visit, as evidenced by the thick band of dark roots showing at the crown, the frazzled, too-long ends of dry, lacklustre, pull-it-back-in-a-ponytail hair. and when my stylist started segmenting it into miniclips for cutting, i felt a large pang of embarrassment at the shock of grey hairs that came shining through. i looked, i thought, like someone who’d begun to let herself go.
i’m not high-maintenance by any standard, but my one vanity is my hair. i’ve always enjoyed playing around with different styles and (in my twenties) colours. i’ve never been a clothes horse or one for trendy fashions, but the one thing that keeps me feeling young at heart (even as i get considerably greyer) is my hair. for the most part, i don’t think i look too bad for my age – i’m in decent shape, have few real wrinkles as yet… objectively speaking, i’m holding up okay. and yet there i sat, looking at this washed out, grey shell of myself.
so why have i let my hair get to this state? this frumpy, boring, can’t be bothered, look? it’s not like i don’t have the time or the money for this one small thing, every three or four months.
and you know, when he was done working his magic, i walked out of there feeling so terribly cute. i had a spring in my step, an instant mood lift. my new cut made me feel young and funky. it was worth every penny i paid for this feeling. i just can’t fathom why i don’t go more often.
a resolution for the new year – an investment in my self-esteem.
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today is possibly the dreariest day so far this year. pouring rain, whipping winds, cold and nasty. in spite of this, my christmas cactus has burst into shockingly vibrant blooms, an assault of determined festivity.
more than ever, i need something cheery today. the house is full of the spicy smell of freshly baked pumpkin bread. the cat has become uncharacteristically cuddly and is curled up on my lap. i’m about to light a few candles for glowy effect, and play some christmas classics.
Bing Crosby – White Christmas
Ella Fitzgerald – Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
The Ronettes – Sleigh Ride
Nat King Cole – The Christmas Song
Louis Armstrong – Winter Wonderland
Brenda Lee – Rocking Around the Christmas Tree
Vince Guaraldi – Christmas Time is Here
and here’s the 
feed for downloads.
zeke goes into his litterbox, scratches around for a while, then comes bounding out. he tears across the living room. turns around. he races back out into the hallway. he starts running again at the furthest point of the hallway, picks up velocity as he flies back into the living room, tries to slow as he begins to run out of space, scrabbling madly for purchase on the smooth floors…and smacks headfirst at speed into the wall.
pauses for a split second, shakes his head, and tears back out of the room.
nothing makes me more irate than hearing the tube service is delayed or reduced due to “staff shortages”. coinkydink that it coincides with the beginning of the holiday season? i think not.
get the fuck to work, you lazy union bastards.*
*please note for the record, i’m not anti-union, i’m anti-rmt union, the most useless coalition of workers ever to wear the union label.
with only 18 days to go, i’m having a hard time getting into the christmas spirit.
i’ve written in years past how my mum set quite a high bar when it came to celebrating. when i was recently home visiting, my brother brought out a bunch of pictures from when we were kids. year after year, through different decades and different haircuts, in front of different trees opening different presents, those pictures reflected a special kind of happiness that christmas brought. in many ways, the christmases of my childhood were pretty idyllic. and even well into my twenties, christmas still had that patina of wonder. pine scented, glowing, moving. with my birthday falling on christmas, that importance was multiplied.
which is why it’s so dispiriting that in recent years, it’s been so difficult for me to enjoy. it started with my move over here, and seems to get worse with each season. it gets harder and harder to immerse myself in the cheer, to allow myself to get caught up in the festive mood.
a large part of it has to do with the fact that the deep sense of peace and joy that the holiday used to bring me, has been lost since i suddenly found myself an atheist. whatever connection i felt with a greater universal energy was abruptly severed a few years ago, and i no longer get that stirring emotional response to the spiritual chords of the season. i still enjoy the traditions and themes of christmas, but not with the intensity and inner reverence i used to feel. i miss that. without it, the tree and gifts and food all feel rather more shallow. and no matter how i try, i can’t shake that surface tension. at times, i feel a bit numb to it all – then sad for the numbness. but the more i try to fake it, the paler it all seems, and the bright images fade like old photographs.
it doesn’t help that jonno never really celebrated christmas much as a kid, so my attempts to recapture the enthusiasm i used to feel are mostly lost on him. i try to get him to participate in the things that are important to me like trimming the tree, or playing christmas music – and he’ll take part trying to humour me, but i find myself continually disappointed because i know in my heart that he’s just mimicking what i want to see. i want it to *mean* something to him, because it means something to me. and the fact that it doesn’t isn’t his fault, or due to any lack of trying on his part. but it’s disheartening nonetheless, because it never really satisfies – i want depth and poignancy and schmaltzy sentimentality. and instead we go through the motions, with me desperately hoping that if it looks right, maybe it will start to feel right.
and then there’s the expat factor. while the uk loves christmas, none of their traditions really resonate with me. i don’t care much about the queen’s speech, or the christmas number one, or going to the pub on christmas eve. i don’t care much about christmas crackers and yorkshire puddings, and if i hear slade or the pogues one more time, i’ll go mad. all the things that used to get me in the spirit are missing here. charlie brown specials and candy canes and bing crosby and santa shaped sugar cookies and snow and garlands of cranberries are all missing. i know it sounds trivial, but these things trigger something inside. because even if i can no longer feel any connection to the spiritual, i still have a wellspring of memories to draw from – yet when nothing is the same, you can’t just tap into that on demand.
all of which adds up to a big giant “meh” so far this year.
i long for that feeling of joy and wonder again. yet i’ve learned through experience that you can’t manufacture it through carols or tinsel. so in deciding to go to morocco this year, where christmas isn’t even largely celebrated, i guess i’m giving myself permission to let go of expectation, to stop trying. perhaps in the future, that feeling will return. or maybe the holiday will become something new and different for me.
i don’t know. i just know that as hard as it is to let go of something that was once so important to me, it’s harder still to let it become diminished by trying to cling to the past.
departure lounge – christmas downer
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ran across not one, but *two* of the most hilariously useless products ever invented today (and considering we live in a world where there are automatic banana peelers, that’s saying something!) and had to share.
first up: the speedfit treadmobil. a treadmill which you use outdoors. instead of… running.
and following close behind: the snuggie. a blanket…with arms. (thanks amy!)
consider the gift of comedy my early christmas present to you! 
christmas is fast approaching. in keeping with this newfound freedom to do something different, we’re going to morocco for the holiday with some friends of ours.
yes, we’re spending xmas in a muslim country. but at least everything will be open! might go for one of those overnight safaris to the sahara desert. because nothing says christmas like camels and sand.
we’re going away from the 21st – 28th, however, which means that the flood of xmas/birthday gifts should be planned to arrive accordingly. to assist you in fulfilling your gift-giving duties, here’s my wish list for this year:
fresh sugar perfume. i’ve adored this perfume for years, but never actually bought it (usually because i have far too many already!) it smells just like its name, though – and for a sweet-tooth like me, can you think of anything more appropriate?
new sennheiser earphones. i’ve worn my pair every single day for the last two years (including running several times a week) and they have only just begun to fall apart. i love these suckers – they’re comfortable, sound good, are damn near indestructible, and very reasonably priced. my *only* gripe is that the white ones get very dirty looking. so if there’s a choice, i’m opting for black.
these are a slightly bigger ticket item, but i’m in desperate need of new running shoes. the edinburgh marathon comes up in the spring! i love my asics gel kayanos, and the newest model (15) has just come out. hideous looking (all running shoes are!), but oh so comfortable to run in. they’re going for £120 elsewhere, so £88 is actually quite a steal! (size 6uk, 8us please!)
also: i’ve been needing an external hard drive for ages. all my music and photos are maxing out my computer. god forbid anything should happen to it, i’d be lost!
and finally, i could really do with a new yoga mat. any old kind will do!
i hope everyone was taking notes. now i shall sit back and wait for the tidalwave to arrive through my postbox!
you know that i.d. card initiative that i keep banging on about?
it’s officially started being rolled out to foreign students and foreign spouses as of last week.
Ministers predict that between 50,000 and 60,000 cards will be issued by the end of March.
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said: “In time, identity cards for foreign nationals will replace paper documents and give employers a safe and secure way of checking a migrant’s right to work and study in the UK.”
and in a farcical twist, revealing just how ill-conceived this entire sham is…
home secretary jacqui smith has offered an appealing invitation:
That is why I will be inviting those who want the chance to get one of the first UK identity cards to pre-register their interest.
I am confident the small group of volunteers chosen for these first cards will quickly realise, like I already do, that identity cards are secure, convenient and here to help protect us all.
gee, thanks but no thanks, jacqui.
wow. can it really be a year since i last posted about world aids day?
this marks the fifth year running that i’ve posted about this day. and while in previous years, i’ve done stuff privately for the cause of hiv/aids, this year i asked all of you to help too, by sponsoring me for the royal parks half marathon on behalf of unicef’s “born free” campaign.
together we raised £500 to help fight the spread of hiv in the worlds most vulnerable areas. thank you so much again. and if you didn’t get a chance to contribute before, you can still do so.
i’d like to try to turn this into an annual thing – doing one public charity fundraiser a year for hiv/aids causes. i’ll let you know what i decide to do for 2009.
because in the meantime, aids hasn’t gone away. year after year, it only gets worse. another 2 million people have died.
we can’t continue to watch it happen, and do nothing.
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