so i’m getting a little apprehensive about my new job. last night i had an unexpected flood of anxiety as i was lying there trying to drift off – a sudden overload of doubt and insecurity ran up and down my nerves, twanging my synapses awake into a whirring cycle of worry, making sleep impossible.

i’m not at all sure where this is coming from. when it comes to work, i’ve almost always felt soundly confident in my ability to learn and adapt quickly, to perform above expectations, and to integrate my skills and experience to any new situation. in short, i’m damn good at my job. it’s one of the things i’ve always prided myself on and felt secure in.

what i will admit, though, is that adapting to the arcane environment that is local government, has been a steep learning curve – it’s a completely different system to that of the u.s., and the council workplace is one where my natural personality can be a liability rather than a strength. i’m frequently too eager, too forthright, too opinionated in a workplace that more often values quiet reserve, common convention and deference to unspoken politics. and over the 5 years at my current workplace, that hasn’t changed… but over time, as people got to know me, i have become more accepted for my foreign quirks. people have gotten used to my unconventional approach, because they’ve gotten used to *me*.

i’m still strange to them – but i’m no longer a stranger.

and at a new job, i’ll have to start all over again. this is where the doubt creeps in – this uncertainty about fitting in. about not only being the unknown outsider, but the outsider who still doesn’t always get the social cues. it took me five long years at my current workplace to prove myself, to get comfortable, to make friends, to figure it out.

and i’ve just put myself back at square one.

supertramp – goodbye stranger

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