five years ago today, i landed at heathrow airport, to begin what i did not know would be a new life.

each year as i reflect on my u.k. anniversary, i’m struck by how my perspective has changed from the years before. this relationship is a complicated, ever-evolving bond, that confuses even myself at times with its fluctuations and intensity. surprises me with how i can hold both love and disdain for my adopted/adoptive country in the same hand. how i can feel both tenderly protective, and angry. how i can feel grateful for some aspects and disgusted by others.

stopping to think about it, however, i guess i shouldn’t be so surprised. it is, after all, much the same way i feel about america.

and now we have plans to leave. shed this cramped city like a too tight skin. i think about leaving a lot lately, and it brings a quick lump to my throat. i’ve always known this would not be somewhere i would live forever, even as i wanted so desperately to become a permanent part of it. as eager as i am to move on, there is so much i am loathe to say goodbye to – family, friends, identity and lifestyle. the tension of being pulled apart by so many contradictory feelings is overwhelming and heartrending at times. yanking up roots is sometimes necessary, but always painful.

because if there’s anything i’ve learned since getting off the plane back in 2003, it’s that it’s impossible to leave home without leaving some part of yourself behind.

arriving at this place was damn hard.

but leaving will be even harder still.

foo fighters – home

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