send us signals in the glow of night windows
it’s 3 am and i can’t sleep. my mind whirls and ticks inexorably, drifting from one random bubble to another, until it finally wanders into the realm of loose ends that live in the murky depths of the past – unfinished business, uneven relationships, faded friendships. half-formed thoughts and semi-conscious memories that float unbidden from the back of my brain. nebulous question marks hanging around the edges of tentative awareness about people and events that trailed off unsatisfactorily, dissolving into the dark leaving only a faint afterimage in wakefulness. insubstantial “what ifs” and “whys”, interlopers in the deepest hours of night – the trace elements of previous lives that surface only when the scrim of watchful defense is drowsily lowered.
they are invisible during the day, these threads – there are no telltale seams or edges showing. the present moves too fast to dwell in the vagaries of the unanswerable past. doors close, life moves on.
but tossing and turning in the wee hours of the morning, these loose ends tangle and conspire to hold me hostage to sleep.
it’s 3:30, and i’m awake.
the weakerthans – night windows
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Comment by nikoline
17.02.2008 @ 02:01 am
ah – i know this sensation, these thoughts, these feelings. i call it falling down the well because that’s how it feels for me. it creeps up at night, but also sometimes mid-day while i’m in my car or when i get quiet to meditate. you describe it so, so well and it helps me feel less freaked out somehow by my own moments that carry these pieces….this happens a lot with your writing – the more somber aspects as well as the lighter ones resonate with me, so thank you. you are so gifted at giving voice to your experience and that is way cool.
hope you got some good sleep when it finally made its way to you.
Comment by Jen
17.02.2008 @ 19:25 pm
ah, you’re sweet to say so.