i may have mentioned my love of the bbc show “masterchef”. throughout the series, one of the judges has had a habit of saying things like, “that dessert is so good i want to snog it, ” and “that pudding is such a triumph, i’d like to wallow in it,” and “that mash is so velvety i want to cuddle up to it.”

and so what else is he to do? it’s too much temptation and jonno cannot help himself. tonight’s grand finale was liberally peppered with comments from the peanut gallery.

j: “that ice cream is so smooth, i want to rub it on my balls and play with myself.”

j: “that mousse is so light, i want to paint it on my nipples and have someone lick it off.”

j: “that chocolate is so rich, i want to dribble into my own buttcrack.”

his sense of humour is so terribly sophisticated.

new order – bizarre love triangle

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i’m exceptionally bad at waiting. waiting makes me terribly anxious – palpitations, churning stomach, the works. i’ve always had the patience of a fruit fly, and try as i might, i’ve not gotten any better at it. the utter lack of control is completely crazymaking. i hate to wait. and right now i’m playing the waiting game on multiple big things: waiting to hear about my job interview, waiting to hear about my grad school plans, waiting for a rather large cheque to clear, waiting for my root canal, waiting for a doctor’s referral. i’m waiting for post, waiting for emails, waiting for online parcel tracking. i’m waiting for people to get back to me, waiting for applications to be processed, waiting for decisions to be made. i’m waiting for validation, waiting for acknowledgement, waiting for credit, waiting for consultation, waiting to qualify.

i can only conclude that the gods are conspiring to drive me over the edge.

built to spill – the wait

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i must have been really horrible in a former life.

it’s official: i do, in fact, need a root canal.

this news causes me no small amount of trepidation, and the whole time i was in the chair getting the bad news, all i could think was i wanted my dr. chessler.

the dentist have me 3 options: 1) dose myself on antibiotics and painkillers and postpone the inevitable 2) have a root canal (at a cost of £350) or 3) yank the tooth.

the fact that he even suggested just yanking the tooth kinda scared me. i like my teeth. i need them for chewing.

but the pain this weekend has been intense – excruciating electric pains that woke me in the night. so i found myself at the mercy of the drill, with more fun nerve excavation to come.

i think i’m gonna be sick.

pixies – gouge away

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a playlist of some of the songs that have been getting heavy rotation in february – it trends towards upbeat, boppy stuff because, let’s face it, february sucks.

Vampire Weekend - Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa
Architecture in Helsinki – Like it or Not
Black Kids – I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance With You
Beirut – Elephant Gun
Okkervil River – Unless It’s Kicks

MP3 playlist (M3U)

and here’s the feed for downloads.

roll on march…

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i’ve written here often about how rape victims in the uk are subject to the injustice of the law.

but it’s not just limited to here. as vol abroad points out, there are states in the u.s. where the rape victim has to pay for their own rape kit.

the rape kit is the tool by which police and lawyers are supposed to *do their job* of collecting evidence, catching perpetrators, and prosecuting crimes.

making a rape victim pay out of pocket for their own police evidence is positively criminal.

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my four year bloggiversary was on 7th jan! i totally missed it.

that’s a long time to keep up what started out as a one day project. this site has been through so many incarnations, i couldn’t begin to describe it as anything but an exercise in diy learning and self-exploration. this melange comprised of a little talk therapy, a lot of spleen venting, a tangled mess of css and html, and some random cat photos.

all that… and yet so much more. it’s strange how attached i’ve become to this little corner of the web which reflects some of the best and worst (but never all) of me. it’s strange how important this has become – as a means of communication, expression, creativity.

it’s a piece of me, in all its sloppy glory. like that warped clay ashtray you gave to your dad on father’s day when you were a kid, earnestly proffered with both hands.

here. i made you something.

janis joplin – piece of my heart

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Too good not to copy: Charlotte and Amity have both done this meme, and it immediately resonated with me. So here are 15 things I’ve never said, but wished I could have:

1. It makes me sad that you don’t love yourself enough to let others love you.
2. Our relationship feels wildly imbalanced, but you think everything is fine. That hurts.
3. He cheated on you.
4. I wouldn’t have moved if I had known it would mean losing you. I miss you.
5. I know you got pregnant “accidentally on purpose”.
6. I sometimes think about what life would be like without you. It scares me. But the fact that I know I would be okay scares me even more.
7. The reason you’ve never found “the one” is because you expect a servant rather than a partner – until you come down off your high horse, you’ll never be happy.
8. You almost cost me my sanity – but I still have a giant crush on you.
9. I’ll never forgive you for picking him over me when I needed you most.
10. You used me to prop you up. I pretended I didn’t know you were lying to my face. You were never my friend, just a leech I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of.
11. I love you. I hope I get to tell you in person one day.
12. I think your faith in God is misplaced – but I am moved by the comfort you get from it.
13. You sound ridiculous during sex.
14. What bothers me isn’t that you take credit for my work – it’s that you think I’m too stupid to know you’re doing it.
15. I wish I’d had the courage to kiss you.

dismemberment plan – what do you want me to say?

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four years ago today, i went to a bar to meet up with a guy i’d met at a christmas party, who i only vaguely remembered as being “cute”. it wasn’t the best first date i’d ever had. (in particular, i had bronchitis and had to excuse myself for several coughing/gagging fits, then topped it off with a classic jen-plant by tripping over my own feet – how sexy was *i*??!) i had no idea my life was changing that night.

three years ago, we stood on a beach with the sun setting and promised to stick together like glue. promised that no matter what this crazy world throws at us, we’ve got each other, and nothing else matters. then we tested that by travelling around this crazy world.

happy anniversary, babe. i love you more than you could ever know.



crowded house – fall at your feet

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yes, i know, things are screwy, including comments. must fix tomorrow, bed now. sorry!

edited to add: comments seem to be okay if you use the pop-up box (i.e. click the link under the post title that says comments)

ugh. i wish i could pay someone to do this for me sometimes.

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this is what i wish i could’ve said to the 25 year old twat of a doctor who spoke to me like a simpleton:

reproduction is not everything. the fact that i have no children is not simply happy coincidence. yes, i have thought about this a long time. approximately 4496 times… that’s the number of times i’ve taken a pill every day in the past 16 years to not get pregnant.

i know my own mind, and will always know my own mind, better than any doctor or medical system… that seems to think i can’t possibly know my own mind until after i’ve had a child. because they seem to think having a child first is a good way to decide if you *really don’t* want one.

my husband, dear as he is, does not get a say over my body. if i decide i don’t want kids, and he has a problem with that decision, that is his problem to work out with me. not my problem to work out with my doctor.

yes, i am defensive – you’re telling me i don’t know what i know. you’re telling me that you know better than i do. you’re judging my ability to make important decisions in my life. my life. which *i* (and only i) have to live. i’ve thought about possible regrets, and i’ve thought about alternatives. i’ve done my research, i’ve considered my options. it’s not your job to save me from regrets. it’s your job to help me control my fertility.

i don’t need your permission to get pregnant. but apparently i need your approval not to.

and i can’t even get angry with you, because you hold the key to what i want.

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congratulations to my brother and newest member of the crazy ragtag collection that we call “family”… his fiancee! dave and ave are engaged to be married – aren’t they the cutest? ave’s been rather like a fourth sister for a while now, so it’s nice to make it official.

couldn’t happen to two better people

sending all our love and big kisses across the ocean,

j & j

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so as good as the trip to vancouver was, it has stirred up all sorts of conflicting feelings for me – tapped into that deep well of dissatisfaction that’s always roiling just beneath the deceptively smooth surface. i had just started on my plans to get my masters degree, had resigned myself to being here for another few years, had just applied for a new job.

and now…

i want to go now. yesterday, really. the thought of staying put another few years makes me want to cry. i feel crushed, trapped, ground down by this city. and now, having caught a glimpse of what life could be like, being back here feels like being pushed back into a cage.

i need to get out, i know that much.

i just don’t know how.

death cab for cutie – the sound of settling

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alcohol = bad.

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it’s 3 am and i can’t sleep. my mind whirls and ticks inexorably, drifting from one random bubble to another, until it finally wanders into the realm of loose ends that live in the murky depths of the past – unfinished business, uneven relationships, faded friendships. half-formed thoughts and semi-conscious memories that float unbidden from the back of my brain. nebulous question marks hanging around the edges of tentative awareness about people and events that trailed off unsatisfactorily, dissolving into the dark leaving only a faint afterimage in wakefulness. insubstantial “what ifs” and “whys”, interlopers in the deepest hours of night – the trace elements of previous lives that surface only when the scrim of watchful defense is drowsily lowered.

they are invisible during the day, these threads – there are no telltale seams or edges showing. the present moves too fast to dwell in the vagaries of the unanswerable past. doors close, life moves on.

but tossing and turning in the wee hours of the morning, these loose ends tangle and conspire to hold me hostage to sleep.

it’s 3:30, and i’m awake.

the weakerthans – night windows

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::jonno goes to the shop:: *meow*

::jonno takes a shower:: *meow*

::jen leaves for work in the morning:: *meow*

i think we’ve given poor zeke serious abandonment issues.

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so in an effort to stay awake, i’ve gone through most all the photos… which are now here. beware – lots and lots of mountain pics.

a few faves:

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we’re back!

a few random thoughts:

clean. vancouver is so incredibly clean.

it also has a shocking number of homeless people.

we went to vancouver island for the day. we explored fraser valley. we found our prospective neighbourhood. we considered going to seattle for the day. we bought ridiculously cheap ski stuff on sale. we spent 3 days snowboarding at whistler mountain.

it’s been a long time since *J* was the one who stood out with the weird accent, and not me.

i *miss* being able to go for a simple tasty meal out every once in a while! here I always feel like i’m getting ripped off, shitty food and even worse service.

i forgot how everything in n. america comes with fries. i love fries.

i may have put on about 5 pounds in fries.

i finally feel like a proper snowboarder – shussing down the slopes at speed, riding in that almost casual leaning way, even managing a few baby bumps. it felt fantastic. i no longer look like the newbie falling down the mountain ass over teakettle.

the entire trip was incredibly… smooth. everything went like clockwork, without a hitch. it was smooth, smooth, smooth. no hangups or annoyances or delays. we got upgraded on the gatwick express (for whatever *that’s* worth), got good seats on the flight, had nice service (actually really super nice – go zoom! no frills, but perfectly fine and really nice staff!), got through immigration in about 3 minutes flat. all the reservations went smoothly, we didn’t get lost once, the weather cut us a few nice breaks, we had a brilliantly smooth journey home, landed on time at 9:45, made it home at noon.

lots and lots of photos to come – this weekend probably.

oh yeah – happy valentine’s day! we’re not really ones for celebrating, so we kind of forgot – but it’s a nice sentiment to have a day where you celebrate the ones you love

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so here’s some snippets of what we’ve done so far:

- arrived, checked in, wandered around, had malaysian seafood curry for dinner.

- walked around nearly the entirety of downtown vancouver in the rain, did some shopping, went to canada place and gastown, walked around some more, went to a fancy bar for drinks.

- went for a hike in snowy lynn canyon, went to lonsdale quay for lunch, did some more shopping, had thick juicy diner burgers and beer for dinner.

- went to granville island for saturday brunch, drove around ubc campus, had a long beach stroll, went to a fancy tapas place for dinner and drinks. drank some yummy yummy local wines.

- went for a long brisk walk around the whole circumfrence of stanley park. had yummy coffee while reading the paper. went to the pub to watch the superbowl – ate lots of nachos and drank lots of beer. was very upset with the ending. went to bed early with suspicions of cold coming on.

- went snowshoeing at the mountain for a few hours. played in the snow. drove out to lighthouse park and did some trails. had some more yummy coffe and banana bread. i’m officially sick with a cold, so went for a big steaming spicy bowl of veitnamese noodle pho to try to knock it on the head.

this place kicks ass. it kicks london ass any day of the week.

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so some more observations thus far:

- i am always astounded that one can get on a plane and a few hours later be half a world away. it feels like it should require bending the space-time continuum, not routine airtravel.

- i am going to get very fat here. the food is incredible… and so cheap! malaysian, japanese, greek, spanish all within a few blocks. it beats london hands down. and when was the last time you had a full meal for two with appetizers and drinks for under 30 pounds?

- the hotel suite is bigger than our flat – no joke. nothing fancy, but clean and comfortable. so why do i have a case of the psychosomatic bed bugs? jonno (lying next to me in his underwear) feels nothing, and i have no welts of any kind, yet every night i lie there itching from imaginary bites. very peculiar.

- my friend kim had tried to warn me, but i still wasn’t prepared for how jaw-droppingly nice everyone is. not polite in that pleasant-but-perfunctory way that distinguishes most of north america. not in that “the customer is always right” way that defines good service. not in that “be kind to the tourist” way so common to tourism-based cities, just genuinely, heart-warmingly, unfailingly nice. stopping for pedestrians. offering assistance. exchanging pleasantries. meaning it when they say, ‘You’re welcome’. smiling like they actually enjoy it.

- there is a huge northern asian population – japanese, korean, chinese. but outside of that cultural influence, vancouver appears to be very, very white. which is (in and of itself) neither bad nor good. just strikingly different from everyplace i’ve lived so far. it feels a little weird.

- the other day we went for a hike in a canyon. amongst tress. in the snow. yesterday we went for a bracing walk along the beach. in spite of the cold, there were people out enjoying the sun. playing with their dogs. biking. jogging. i’ve seen more people running in 5 days here than in nearly 5 years in london.

- but more than the outdoor pursuits and natural beauty, more than the great food and coffee, more than the feeling of breathing space and laidback flow… people seem happy. i have a hunch it’s connected to the niceness thing somehow. and i want some of that.

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i’m in vancouver. and i’m in love.

who in their right mind wouldn’t want to live here?? i may not make it back…

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