and so it ends.

all in all, 2007 was pretty uneventful for me. and that’s not a particularly bad thing – after several years of constant change, i think i needed this year to settle in, to allow things to settle. at first glance, that might look like settling for, or settling down – but it’s not the same. not at all. i am no longer afraid of moving slowly – only of standing still.

if the past few years have been writ in big bold strokes, this year was found in the small details. so much of life is in the details. so much love is in the details. real growth happens in tiny increments, often invisible to the naked eye, or passing observation – and the most important change only ever happens from the inside.

but new year’s eve is as good a time as any to look back and realise just how far you’ve come, and where you want to go. i was reading some old journals the other day and found this:

you know how sometimes you are able to step completely outside your life, and it’s like looking at the earth from the moon? seeing it as this miraculously blue and beautiful planet – a glittering marble. and when you’re in it, it’s hard to appreciate just how amazing it is. because your days so often are filled with the pavement in front of you as you trudge along, and the sky full of clouds above. and that’s just the way it is – most of the time, life is the dull and endless pavement.

but every so often, it’s a bright, shiny new marble.

and so that’s what i’m hoping for more of in 2008 – learning to step outside the grey, see beyond the clouds and pavement, and appreciate this glittering marble while i’m on it.

happy new year to you all!

wishing you peace, love and joy –

jen

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i really enjoyed this exercise last year. it’s a way of boiling a year down to the essence – if you can only dedicate 24 words to 2007, what *really* mattered in your life? what can you say about it that means something?

it is simultaneously ridiculously simple, and very difficult. so here’s my best shot at 365 days in 24 words.

settling back in, re-establishing roots. our cat came and curled up in our hearts. flew to families two years missed. finally, relievedly, deservedly british.

ra ra riot – each year

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it’s getting towards the end of the year – which means it’s the time when people begin totting up the happenings of the past 365 days, putting them in win/loss columns, ascribing in one way or another, some fixed value to those days, that tries to slot them into the giant cosmic jigsaw puzzle that is the “larger picture”.

i remember being really excited by the “end of year” lists when i was younger, for some unfathomable reason. the best and worst movies of the year. the best and worst news items. the best books, the worst music albums. i even had a strange fondness for the lists of notable people who’d died that year. i guess part of me liked putting the year into concrete, summary terms – as if such lists made a good year “good” or a bad year “bad”. it made it easy to chalk it up, and move briskly on to a fresh new page with the feeling of having completed an essential task. a mental dusting of the hands – good, that’s another year done. it was only when i got older that making such lists became a lot more difficult. very rarely do life experiences fall neatly into one column or another.

and yet there is still a magnetic attraction to them. a need to compartmentalise, separate the cream, leave behind the chaff (if you’ll pardon the mangled metaphors). i suppose that trying to grasp the totality of such a long and varied period of time is simply too hard.

and so we list.

my best moments of 2007:

• my lunch hour walks
• getting zeke
• going home for a long overdue visit
• having my citizenship application approved
• finishing my 3rd marathon
• reconnecting with old friends i thought i’d lost
• seeing the sox win a second world series

my worst moments of 2007:

• saying goodbye to my grandfather
• having my citizenship application rejected
• hating my job
• hearing about the demise of coney island
• realising dave grohl is no longer my hero

my personal best posts of 2007 (for reasons known only to me):

• here comes the sun. it’s all right.
• as i plant tomatoes on easter sunday
• something inside that you wanna say, say it out loud, it will be okay
• milkshakes and flags
• you can fool yourself, and maybe someone else like me
• and me with my umbrella
• imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
• if the world’s at large, why should i remain?
• brooklyn love story, circa 1992
• beachy head marathon runner #1282, that’s me

the zombies – this will be our year

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merry christmas to all….

and happy birthday to me!

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awww. thanks mum!

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yes, zeke has taken to curling up in cardboard boxes like a common hobo-cat… and yes, he has his own stocking

LITTLE tree
little silent Christmas tree
you are so little
you are more like a flower
who found you in the green forest
and were you very sorry to come away?
see i will comfort you
because you smell so sweetly
i will kiss your cool bark
and hug you safe and tight
just as your mother would,
only don’t be afraid
look the spangles
that sleep all the year in a dark box
dreaming of being taken out and allowed to shine,
the balls the chains red and gold the fluffy threads,
put up your little arms
and i’ll give them all to you to hold
every finger shall have its ring
and there won’t be a single place dark or unhappy
then when you’re quite dressed
you’ll stand in the window for everyone to see
and how they’ll stare!
oh but you’ll be very proud
and my little sister and i will take hands
and looking up at our beautiful tree
we’ll dance and sing
“Noel Noel”

“little tree” – e.e. cummings

the night before christmas (by clement clarke moore, read by harry humphrey)

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in two days, i turn 35.

usually around this time of year, i have an annual grump about how old i feel. but even though i am definitely on the wrong side of the thirties now, i am making an effort to be more positive – on that note, i am totally stealing this idea for a birthday post from charlotte.

35 things i have learned:

1. it really is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

2. everything teaches you something, if you allow it to.

3. sometimes, you get what you pay for. can openers are not worth skimping on.

4. at any given place in the u.k. you are never more than 72 miles from a shore (thanks, “life in the u.k.” test!)

5. quality over quantity really matters when it comes to friends

6. everybody’s got their something.

7. the world is a very small place – i am separated from other people and cultures by far less than i ever would have guessed.

8. the metabolism really does a nosedive after you hit 30.

9. everyone should have one semi-impressive “go to” recipe that they love and have mastered.

10. life with a pet is 10,000 times better than life without one.

11. wine gives me headaches. to the extent that it’s not even worth drinking it anymore

12. i think, at 35, i may finally be over the whole “being born on christmas sucks” thing.

13. relationships are work – but anything worth doing is worth doing well.

14. writing is important. writing is the act of creating history.

15. electric showers are a very, very bad idea. you only need to experience the bizarre sensation of being gently electrocuted whilst shampooing your hair *once* to be completely freaked out by all electric showers ever after.

16. you really can live very happily with very little *stuff*.

17. that being said, i miss owning furniture.

18. art is what makes us human. everybody has a bit of artist in them somewhere. too few people are ever encouraged to find it.

19. you never really ever do completely get over having your heart broken.

20. being kind is more important than being right.

21. i am never right as often as i think i am.

22. to say “i love you” is to make yourself vulnerable… but you should still say it. say it first, say it often.

23. kids are amazing, fantastic creatures – and yet there are still children that grow up without families to love them. that we allow that to happen is our single greatest failing as a society. the foster care system is a crime against children.

24. “marriage” and “wedding” are not synonymous. in fact, one has very little to do with the other.

25. we all need to be heard.

26. there are two kinds of people in this world: people who “get” running, and people who don’t.

27. touch is so important that babies can die without it. hugging, kissing, touching are all ways to stay alive.

28. never order from a menu you can’t read.

29. the first cigarette you ever smoke is the stupidest… except perhaps the one you pick up after you’ve already been quit.

30. money doesn’t grow on trees. people should learn how to handle money in school – it’s more important than learning french.

31. coffee is elixir of the gods.

32. the body is an amazing machine – but treating it well and truly appreciating it are struggles for most everyone.

33. 99% of people in the world all want the same thing – a better future for their children. while we may disagree on how to go about achieving that, there is more that unites us than divides us.

34. 99% of people in the world are good. no matter what the news would have you believe, there is really very little to fear.

35. understanding is the weapon. empathy is the antidote. hate cannot grow in the presence of tolerance. love is the only thing that matters on this shiny little marble. it is the truth behind every major religion, it is the only thing that gives meaning to life, it is the most important thing to cultivate, and the most abundant gift you can give. love is all.

and there you have it. 35 life lessons i have picked up along the way. maybe i have earned these grey hairs after all

tom cochrane – life is a highway

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yesterday evening was the winter solstice – the shortest day, the longest night. the point at which, blessedly, finally, the earth begins to turn back towards the sun.

the incas were sun worshippers, and all their most sacred places and rituals reflected that. in visiting machu picchu, you first approach the ancient city by bowing your head at dawn to pass through intipunku, the “sun gate”. in the city itself, you learn about how all the walls and windows and temples were built to align with the angles of the rays of the solstice, to try to capture every last gasp of light before the sun sank behind the surrounding mountains. you learn how their calendar revolved around the festivals of capac raymi and inti raymi, celebrating the solstices and the return of the sun each year. you see the large column of stone placed at the highest point of the city, dedicated as Intihuatana – “the hitching post of the sun”, where priests conducted rituals to bind the suns precious rays to the earth and prevent their escape.

and as i explored the temples and touched the stones, i could feel it resonate within me – i instinctually understood this compulsive need to try to grasp at the light, to hold fast to something so essential and lifegiving. i could understand the panic that must have settled into into their chests when, day after day, the darkness continued to grow and the sun faded. and i could almost sense the jubilation that must have washed over them upon the sun’s annual return – the kind of intense relief that makes one giddy and lightheaded, a little drunk with joy.

i could feel that in the air at machu picchu, because i feel it now. i need light as much as i need air. and today, knowing that the longest night is on the wane, i am giddy with relief.

frente! – open up your heart and let the sun shine in

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guess who is *finally* a british citizen!!!

just got home quite late from several christmas “do”s… to find my citizenship letter sitting on the counter with the bills.

i’m crying even as i write this. i have to show up and sing “god save the queen”… but the long wait is over at last.

1727 days after first getting off the plane… i have finally arrived.

christmas really has come early.

katrina and the waves – walking on sunshine

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to put a little holly in your jolly, here’s this years xmas playlist, featuring:

El Vez - Feliz Navi-Nada
The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping
Magnet - Let It Snow
The Ronettes – Sleigh Ride
Stiff Little Fingers – White Christmas
The Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)
Death Cab For Cutie – Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

MP3 playlist (M3U)

and here’s the feed for downloads.

happy holidays!!

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more punitive immigration measures from the home office, and liam byrne – the same mp who doubled the cost of spousal visas this year, and introduced the ridiculous points-based immigration proposal.

Tourist visa times ‘to be halved’

The government is consulting on new visa restrictions. Visitors to the UK would have to leave after three months instead of the current six under new visa proposals being considered by the government.

Families might also have to pay a financial deposit to ensure relatives from outside the EU whose visit they were sponsoring left the UK on time.

The government said the bond, put out to consultation, was “not for everyone, but where we think there’s a risk”.

But immigration groups said it would be “unfair” on poorer families.

The proposals are aimed at those who deliberately overstay or work illegally in the UK.

The government has not revealed how much families would be asked to pay to sponsor an overseas visitor, but press reports suggest it could be a £1,000 bond.

Wow – treating people like probable criminals before they’ve even arrived. Nice.

Isn’t it the I.N.D.’s *job* to figure out who’s likely to become an illegal immigrant BEFORE THEY ENTER THE COUNTRY??!! So instead of doing their jobs *better*, they just want to place the burden on families.

For someone who’s desperate to enter the country, £1000 is absolutely nothing. And for everyone else, it’s just prohibitively punishing.

And where most visa arrangements with countries are reciprocal, does this now mean other countries get to do the same to British citizens?

like so much else in this country, rather than just enforcing the laws which are already in effect, they try to put yet another layer of counterintuitive legislation in place, which doesn’t actually address the problem at hand.

mr byrne seems awfully good at that.

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my boss at work is leaving, and i find myself surprisingly sad about it.

robert is basically the reason i am still here in this country today. back when i first started working at my organisation, i was an agency worker, only here for 6 months on my visa. as my visa was due to expire, i was desperately searching for ways to stay in the u.k.

and robert offered me a job, with almost no firsthand knowledge of my skills or experience. he took a huge leap of faith hiring me, one that still awes me a little. but even more than that, when my work visa got screwed up and i got kicked out of the country for 2 months, with no guarantee that i would be able to come back, robert held my job for me.

he had no real reason to – i hadn’t even started my work, i’d run afoul of immigration, had to start the whole process over again, and my odds of getting back to the u.k. did not look good. by all accounts he should have cut his losses and let me go. why he didn’t, i’ll never know – all i do know is that i am so eternally grateful that he didn’t. if he hadn’t held my post for me, i wouldn’t have been able to return to this country. i wouldn’t have met jonno three weeks after getting back to london with a fresh new work permit. i wouldn’t have gotten married, i wouldn’t have gone on my trip, and i wouldn’t be waiting on my citizenship even as i write this.

if he hadn’t held my job for me, that would have been the end of my london dream – and i’d be talking instead about the time i spent 6 months in england, but had to leave and rebuild my life back in boston.

so i owe him that debt – my life would be far different today but for that single opportunity he held out to me.

and i think another part of the reason i have such affection for him is that in many ways, robert reminds me of my dad – a bit goofy, a softhearted idealist from the 60s, a folk music fan. we bonded over a shared love of bob dylan and exchanged cds. he ribs me about my american sports, and i tease him over the woeful fate of the england teams. there’s just something about him that pulls on my heartstrings, with his wonky grin and earnest bumbling.

but beyond that, robert is the most unfailingly good-natured and optimistic person i’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. no matter how shitty things at work got (and there have been some pretty dismal moments), he was always cheery – looking forward to brighter skies, while bringing in sweets and snacks for the team to lift the spirits. even in the face of personal crisis (family’s health, his house catching fire, the death of a friend, his imminent departure under less than ideal circumstances) he never let it show. no matter how many times things knock him down, he just rights himself with a smile, without complaint. and going through this prolonged agony of forced departure, it makes my heart ache to see him bearing up under the strain, knowing how he must be hurting inside. and knowing that he’s leaving in spite of putting his everything into it.

he won’t be coming back after the holidays. he will be missed by many, for a lot of different reasons – but i will never forget him.

bob dylan – don’t think twice, it’s alright

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And London shops on Christmas Eve
Are strung with silver bells and flowers
As hurrying clerks the City leave
To pigeon-haunted classic towers,
And marbled clouds go scudding by
The many-steepled London sky.

from “christmas” – John Betjeman

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i just entered the ballot for the edinburgh marathon in may. eeep!

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j’s been telling me lately about a colleague who uses the same phrase a ridiculous number of times a day. today at work i got this:

From: J
Sent: 14 December 2007 11:42
To: J
Subject: I’m the hip-hopapotamus ***

My day was going well I thought, I was feeling pretty happy

Its almost the weekend I thought, today will not be cr*ppy

When suddenly my ears flexed and my stomach wrenched in pain

For from across the office came the dreaded phrase ‘to which it appertains’

I feel like saying ‘Over-using words like that just shows a lack of class’

‘So why don’t you stop it before I shove this Collins up your….’

*** if you don’t get the reference, check here. hell, check it even if you do get it!

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ahhh, how i miss snow. big, white piles of pillowsoft snow. snow that slows down the earth’s spin, dampens down the volume, fills in the nooks with lofty frozen batting, smooths over the rough edges, makes the world clean again. there’s a sweet smell to the air when it snows like that – a lightness that gets up inside your nostrils and fills your lungs. a brightness that illuminates the sky like moonglow, bouncing off the underside of the low clouds. snow that drifts through the air like glittering feathers, coating the pavement, the lampposts, the brims of hats with a thick icing of fluff. snow that puts life on pause, creates calm in a storm, and merits wonder and awe.

boston got snow yesterday. i have snow envy.

sambassadeur – ice & snow

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one of the first things i brought over when i knew i would be living in the u.k. long-term, was my collection of christmas ornaments. i’ve collected them ever since i was a little girl – i can trace the history of my childhood christmases through them. when i got old enough to earn an allowance, i would buy an ornament for the family tree each year – one of those metal plated ones that you get engraved in wonky script, the surname always spelled wrong. decorating the tree every year was a trip down memory lane, with the emergence of each ornament from the box – heavy plaster of paris handprints done in school, pasted paper and foil angels made in church, hand knitted decorations a gift from grandma. each one given a year marker, each one given a special place on the tree. it’s a tradition i have carried on for myself since buying my own first tree.

which basically means poor little “woodstock” is about to topple over from the weight of them.

eels – everything’s gonna be cool this christmas

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i’ve not really gotten into the christmas spirit yet this year – i am spiritless. in fact, thinking about christmas brings a vague, uncomfortable sense of anxiety – a tightening of the stomach and heaviness of the chest which is totally unfamiliar to me. i’ve always loved christmas, and looked forward to it with anticipation.

i think i need a tree to cheer me up.

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okay, i haven’t mentioned this thus far this football season, because in boston, to speak of such things is to risk jinxing them…

but the Patriots are 13-0 after pounding the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, and are just three games from the NFL’s first-ever perfect 16-0 regular season.

our next three games are against:

the Jets (currently at 3W – 10L)
the Dolphins (currently 0 – 13 headed for a completely winless season…)
and the Giants (currently 8 – 4 but only one of their wins has come against a team with a record above .500)

could this be? the only undefeated team was the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who went 14 – 0, and whose members currently delight in celebrating every time a previously undefeated team finally loses a game.

of course, there are plenty of people who are quick to speak about an asterisk if the pats manage an undefeated regular season. and there’s no doubt, it’s a serious blemish. there’s also no doubt that the patroits didn’t need any illicit help whatsoever to trounce almost every single one of their opponents this year.

it’s hard to deny, the pats look pretty unstoppable… but in boston, we don’t speak of such things

the go! team – we just won’t be defeated

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this weekend has been an exercise in futility. apparently over the years, i have collected quite a lot of photos. almost a couple thousand. and in order to put those all neatly on their own subdomain, i have to re-organise them all (my previous method of assembling them was haphazard at best) and re-upload them all. add to that mix a server connection which has picked this weekend to freak out, and you have a lot of hair-tearing.

in any case, almost all of them are back up – though i’m still working on renaming, sorting and captioning them all. there was some angst about putting a lot of the crappy older photos back up (some of them are truly cringeworthy)… but they’re part of the journey i’ve taken since starting this blog. thank goodness things have improved somewhat since the days way back when i was using a 2MP camera… and i’ve learned a little something about photography along the way.

if you feel like checking them out, clicking the photographia tab at the top will take you there. bear in mind that they’re still unlabelled, unordered, and the thumbnails are wacky. but at least they’re all in one place.

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i’ve always had a bit of regret attached to my blog name – it was something i’d thought of completely off the cuff (mostly because it rhymed) when i was first starting a blog for just my family to read. and then, after time, it became too late to change it to something wittier, or punnier. so while i’m not in love with it, it seems i am stuck with it.

and then i saw this post by charlotte about the anagram server – so here are my top choice anagrams for “jen’s den of iniquity”

Jennie of Tiny squid

Find Eye, Join Squint

Find Sequin Nite Joy

Quoted Jenny, Finis I

Disquiet Jenny Info

Sequined Nifty Join

Define In Squint, Joy

Fed Quinine Tin Joys

Deify, Enjoin, Squint

Jenny’s quid Tie Info

Jenny Dies If Quit On

Jen Notified Quinsy

Jen Tidy Sequin Info

Jen Din Quiets If Yon

(my server is playing up so i’m not sure if my upgrades will happen this weekend after all… grrrr.)

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