so guess whose website is the number one aol.co.uk search result for “piss on me uk”?

i guess i’m more surprised that anyone actually still *uses* aol anymore. and obviously their search engine is actually google – because people who use aol are too dumb to know how to google on their own. and if my blog is the top hit for “piss on me uk” in google… well, then clearly google just ain’t what it used to be.

also – to the idiot who got to my blog searching “google upside down trees”, here’s a hint: you don’t actually have to *put* “google” in your search terms. google pretty much googles without you having to tell it to.

and on that mind-boggling note, the endless 30 days of nablopomo is finally over. you’ll pardon me if I take tomorrow off.

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so this is the way it usually happens – as i meander through my days, observing, experiencing, pondering, inevitably something springs to the front of my mind: “that would make a good blog post”.

and so i file it away, a little breadcrumb left on the expanse of forest floor. at some later point, i sit down in front of my computer, fingers poised in anticipation, wrists resting, spine aligned, and i cast my memory back to try to find that breadcrumb, to tease it out, turn it into a substantial meal, something i can get my teeth into. i knead it through the fingertips, add bits here and there, roll it around on the tongue. eventually, finally, hopefully, lovingly producing something satisfying.

except when i go back in search of that crumb only to get lost on the way, or find it disappeared, or discover a pebble instead of bread. alone in the empty woods with only the whistle of the wind through the dark shadows of the trees.

this is my longwinded way of saying i have nothing of substance to blog about today.

the clash – lost in the supermarket

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the other day at thanksgiving dinner, the conversation turned to the “laminated list”.

you know the “laminated list”. from the friends wiki:

The show also popularized the idea of the “laminated list”, a list of celebrities that a person’s partner will permit them to sleep with if they were to ever meet them. In “The One with Frank Jr.” the characters exchange “lists” verbally, while Ross creates a physical list and laminates it, making his choices permanent.

and then i read this post, which reminded me of it. so, without further ado, i will answer the burning question: who’s on my laminated list?

1. john cusack

he’s quirky and funny and warm and self-effacing and just seems very genuine. plus, having been like 16 when “say anything” came out didn’t hurt. who can resist a vulnerable man with a boom box? my crush for him has continued to grow throughout the years with his offbeat movie roles and understated stardom.

2. dave grohl

i *may* have mention my love for him here before. the man is a modern day rock god, but a goofy, endearing one. the day i almost got his sweat on me remains one of the highlights of my fandom.

3. brad pitt

pedestrian choice, i know. but two words: “fight club”. also, at some point, he became a pretty darn good actor. and i was brainwashed with repeated viewings of mr. and mrs. smith.

okay, here come the strange ones…

4. andre 3000

he’s soooo freaky-deaky, but he’s completely confident in his uniqueness – whether he’s rocking jeans or a wildly floral three piece suit or a blond wig and green-fringed trousers. and he’s a musical genius with more than a hint of jimi hendrix.

5. ewan mcgregor

i’ve never been a fan of his movies… but i love watching him on television. his personality and humour really make me all melty inside, and he wears a kilt for crying out loud.

and the girl crushes…

gwen stefani

she’s got style, a ridiculously successful career, red lips and a washboard stomach. but i still liked it best when she had pink hair.

drew barrymore

she’s a little bit ditzy, she’s got that wildchild past… there’s just something about her.

and finally, the obligatory angelina jolie

let’s face it, there’s not a laminated list she’s *not* on. and i was brainwashed with repeated viewings of mr. and mrs. smith.

ok go – you’re so damn hot

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at work today, i was talking with a casual work acquaintance about the upcoming trip to vancouver j and i have booked for february, and our plans for eventually moving there.

and out of the blue, she said to me, “you’ll make it happen. you’re good at making things happen.”

in the moment, i laughed it off – chalked it up to my well-proclaimed stubbornness. but i recognised something in that simple sentence that i never would have before – it rang deep, rang true.

in a few short weeks, i turn 35. which isn’t very remarkable unless you knew me when i was turning 30.

in the years leading up to my 30th birthday, i was in a crisis. i found myself at the bottom of the deepest possible rut – a trench i had dug for myself through inaction and inability to face my fears. i felt miserable and trapped, completely unable to change my circumstances.

on my birthday that year, there was a quote in the paper, which i cut out and have kept with me ever since:

“to be nobody but yourself – in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.”

-e.e. cummings

and in the past five years i have completely reshaped my life, reshaped who i am – through sheer force of will. in the time since i turned 30, everything i have set out to achieve for myself, i have accomplished. everything i have committed to, everything i have desired. more than i allowed myself to even dream of before.

i have made my life real and full and joyful – and more than any one particular thing i have done, more than any single item i have ticked off my list, i am most proud of that.

i have become someone who is good at making things happen. i have become someone who is good at making her life happen.

feist – i feel it all

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you know, i attended the “reclaim the night” march the other evening because i find it appalling that in a western, democratic country with one of the most developed judiciaries in the world, only one in twenty rapists are ever convicted.

and then i read about the 19 year old saudi girl who was gang-raped and will be punished by 200 lashes and six months in prison.

i suppose i should reflect, once again, on how lucky i am. but i’m tired of always trying to find some measure of solace in comparing my fortune with women elsewhere. i’m tired of trying to assuage the guilt of privilege by telling myself i’m standing up for them as well. i’m tired of the complete and utter lack of surprise when i read about women being punished, tortured and killed for the crime of being born the wrong sex in the wrong place at the wrong time.

i’m tired of being angry and i’m tired of being sad, and i’m tired of feeling compelled to write the same damn shit over and over again and i’m tired of feeling so completely helpless to change a fucking thing. tiring to think of throwing grains of sand into the winds of history and religion and soul-crushing hatred.

i wouldn’t want to trade being a woman for anything in the world. but fucking hell – some days it’s so bone-deep, grind-you-down, hollowly, dispiritingly, tiresome, a body could just lay down and cry from weariness.

bob dylan – just like a woman

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met yet another interesting person from the interwebs today – amity and i hooked up for a sunday brunch with amy, whom we first became acquainted with via an expats forum we belong to.

this is the fascinating bit about the internet – it would be all too easy to allow electronic interaction to substitute for real world experience, to hide behind the anonymity or the computer, to retreat to the safety of carefully considered words and managed, crafted persona. but technology is at its best when it enables you to enrich your actual life and relationships – allows you to expand your boundaries and worldview by meeting people you might never have otherwise had the chance to meet, because the physical limitations of geography and time no longer apply.

it’s a point that’s been driven home time and again for me, and reinforced once more this afternoon – the internet is a wonderful place. it was great to meet you amy!

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as someone who tends to go into hibernation mode as the temperature drops, yesterday was a pretty busy day for me.

the march went well – we started in trafalgar square and headed straight down tottenham court road. amusing to see all the tourists taking photos of the demonstration, as if it was another london attraction. there was even a bit of an impromptu sit-in in front of a strip club we passed on the route – good to see some passion amongst the next generation of younger women.

a few photos

after the march, i headed over to the always delightful nicole’s house for her thanksgiving get together – which quickly descended into drunken boardgame madness, as such gatherings are wont to do

more amusingly tipsy photos here

even more activity today as i head off for an afternoon sunday brunch with friends. all this is interaction is a real shock to the system! more later today…

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i’ve written here a few times about how appalling the rape statistics for britain are. so tonight, i’m doing something i haven’t done in over twelve years, since way back in my uni days: participating in a “take back the night” march.

it’s known as “reclaim the night” in the u.k., and though these marches to end violence against women first became well-known during the late 70s, it is thought that they may have originated as far back as 1877, here in london.

the fact that it is still necessary, more than a hundred years later, to make people aware of the ways in which women are violated, not only by the perpetrators, but also by the justice system meant to protect them, is deeply saddening. and infuriating.

from the organisers:

In Britain, there are an estimated 47,000 rapes every year. And each year, an estimated 300,000 women are sexually assaulted (British Crime Survey 2001).

Yet Britain’s conviction rate is the lowest ever, at just 5.3 per cent.

When Reclaim The Night marches were started in the 1970s, women were appalled that only 1 in 3 rapists were ever convicted; today that figure is 1 in 20.

so i’ll be out there (along with amity), raising our voices in anger, demanding that people take notice.

it can only get better when people are no longer afraid to speak out and make themselves heard.

stars – the night starts here

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rape, violence, women, uk, reclaim the night

yesterday’s feast was a big success! clean plates all around. a few photos.

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happy thanksgiving!

thanksgiving is traditionally a day to reflect on those people in your life who mean the most to you. which is why it can be such a difficult holiday for an expat – not only are we far from our families, but we live in a country which doesn’t recognise or understand the deeply emotional significance of the day. the longing to be close to those we love, to share food, to share time with the people who make our lives rich.

but for me, this day reminds me that i am extraordinarily lucky to have such people on *both* sides of the atlantic – people who make my life full to overflowing. friends and family and friends-who-are-family… i truly want for nothing in this world.

so thank you to all those near and far who are so important to me. on this day, may you all feel as lucky as i do.

peter bjorn and john – objects of my affection

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elbow deep in preparations for tomorrow’s feast. amity and i have decided to combine forces (”wonder-twin powers activate! form of a turkey dinner!”) and friends once again for a big festive meal. the traditional menu:

turkey
sausage stuffing with apples and cranberries
homemade gravy
mashed potatoes
yams
green bean casserole with shallots, mushrooms and almonds
roasted butternut squash
pumpkin pie
apple pie

brits are a bit fuzzy on this thanksgiving thing – thinking there must be gifts involved, or some sort of commercial aspect, as there is with so many other american holidays.

but that’s the beauty of thanksgiving – it’s remained relatively pure of marketing influence even after all these years. it’s not even particularly religious, in spite of the whole “giving thanks” theme. and sure, there are decorations and cards you can buy, but by and large, it’s still all about the three “f” elements: family, food, and football.

you don’t get much more american than that.

rusted root – food & creative love

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I was gonna rant about the 25 million child benefit records lost by the government

Two computer discs holding the personal details of all families in the UK with a child under 16 have gone missing.

The Child Benefit data on them includes name, address, date of birth, National Insurance number and, where relevant, bank details of 25m people.

but andy beat me to it. as he says:

This, quite simply, is one of the big practical reasons why the government shouldn’t be relentlessly collecting information about us. If the government, or a company for that matter, creates databases with huge amounts of private and personally-identifiable information, then at some point that information will escape. Someone will lose a laptop, or backup tapes, or fail to erase a discarded hard disk properly, and voila! — the bad guys have got it. Not to mention that hackers get into every system eventually, given sufficient motivation. When the politician says “but this system will be totally secure” he’s either lying, or else foolishly believed the vendor who lied to him.

and this is precisely why i vehemently disagree with the dna database, the nhs database, and i.d. cards. because the safeguards surrounding your information are only as trustworthy and secure as your government is.

as it turns out, not very.

the ataris – losing streak

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and once again, i am prostrating myself before the immigration and naturalisation department. filling in forms in tidy block letters, queuing quietly, handing over nearly £700 ($1400), submitting for inspection details about my marriage, my previous marriage, my husband, my husband’s previous marriage, my job, my taxes, my knowledge of “life in the uk” as demonstrated by exam, my character, my friend’s assessment of my character, all my travels, and my addresses (including u.s.) for the past five years.

did i mention the £700? (not including, of course, the non-refundable £200 from the failed first attempt.) i’m not so sure why i want this so badly, but clearly i do.

they say the third second time is the charm.

but if they ask me to do a british accent, i’ll never get in.

nada surf – do it again

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it’s sunday morning and i’ve awoken late, reluctantly. begrudgingly peeling open my eyes, i see the weather outside matches my mood perfectly: grey and cold, with a biting wind. i’d planned on going for a run, but mentally scupper that idea before my feet even emerge from the covers, callously dislodging the sleeping cat . i can’t be arsed.

there’s been something under my skin the past few days. i’ve been walking around edgy and permanently dissatisfied, uncharacteristically sullen. j and i grumping at each other, the apartment far too small to contain my crankiness without bleeding over. quick, cutting remarks slipping carelessly from my lips, with little remorse. i’ve not been very nice.

like anyone, i’m prone to the occasional bout of grouchiness – but i can’t shake it, this churlish miasma enveloping me in its little grey cloud of bad attitude. and like everything else these days, it’s annoying the piss out of me.

samiam – bad day

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i consider myself a fairly well informed citizen, keeping up with the news, thinking critically about politics and policy… yet so often, it is my weakness in history which lets me down and keeps me from seeing the fuller picture when it comes to complex, multi-layered situations such as those surrounding the middle east. so i am always grateful when i find comprehensive, intelligent coverage which illuminates the issues and connects the dots in a way I can understand.

which is why i was really engrossed in listening to this piece from npr’s “fresh air” programme the other day. two journalists from the guardian have come out with a new book which outlines the history of pakistan’s nuclear programme, their involvement in nuclear proliferation and development within the “axis of evil” countries, how the u.s. has not only turned a blind eye, but been complicit in this sordid tale, and why that should make us very nervous about the current instability in mussharaf’s regime. for those of us who have been a bit muddled about whole situation, it’s an incredible eye-opener – and it highlights how, once again, short-sighted american foreign policy has served to turn us into perhaps the most meddlesome and hypocritical nation on earth. although it paints a very bleak picture, i highly recommend giving it a listen.

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pakistan, iran, nukes, axis of evil

jonno and i have been watching the “long way down” series – ewan mcgregor and charley boorman’s african sequel to their “long way round” trip around the world.

it’s a little bit of heaven and a little bit of torture at the same time. watching them slalom through countries on their motorbikes – countries i have dreamt of endlessly – the urge to run away again is overwhelming. the desire to just *go* – grab a bag, walk out the door, head for another continent which might as well be another planet full of strange landscapes, animals, languages – the desire is so strong i have to bite my lip to keep from crying.

along the way so far, ewan and charley have run into other travellers who’ve decided to run away. they’ve bumped into jason lewis, who spent 13 years going around the world on human power, a couple who had done the same journey by motorbike but in reverse, and several other people who just dropped out and took on the world – living the traveller lifestyle, living day to day for nothing but the experience of seeing what else is out there. the minimalist magellans of the 21st century.

and i can only watch and wonder why it’s not me.

the damnwells – i am a leaver

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so off to the dentist i dutifully went to get my tooth filled.

there’s the well worn stereotype about british teeth – which, to be brutally honest, does hold more than a kernel of truth. in comparison to everywhere else i’ve lived, people around these parts have some jacked up teeth. now i know americans probably place far too much emphasis on a perfect, pearly white appearance (i mean, as long as they’re *healthy*, it shouldn’t matter how they look), but even people on television (who presumably make enough money to at least get their choppers straightened), don’t seem the least bit bothered in displaying a wonky yellowed grin.

so i was understandably a bit apprehensive the first time i went to the dental surgery after moving here. i admit having been completely spoiled in the past, with a family dentist whom i’d seen since i first had teeth, and who also happened to be fantastic at his job – great work, great manner, and i trusted him implicitly with no nervousness whatsoever. as a kid, there was the bubble gum flavoured toothpaste, a toy from the chest, and a new toothbrush and pink disclosing tablets to go home with. as an adult, i used to love going in for cleanings with the hygenist, and coming out running my tongue along cool, smooth, polished teeth that felt like new. i even went to see him during the 8 years i lived in nyc, timing my appointments to coincide with visits home. ah, dr. chessler was great – he died a few years ago from lung cancer, and i truly felt a pang of sadness. i still remember how he smelled faintly of pipe smoke, and i can still recall his warm, gravelly voice, giving fatherly advice about my tongue ring, (yet not chiding me when i cracked a tooth on it), asking about my family by name, encouraging me during the difficult college years. i was really lucky to have him.

and, knowing that no other dentist could ever live up to the legacy of dr. chessler, my expectations are modest. with that in mind, my dentist surgery here seems… fine. clean, competent, nothing i could complain about. but they just don’t seem as thorough or careful or caring about things. there isn’t that friendliness or extra time to double check things. no gentle reminders to floss more often, no praise for having quit smoking. they do perfectly servicable, fine work – but they’re no dr. chessler.

wherever you are melvin s. chessler, dmd extraordinaire, i hope you know you were appreciated. and you are missed.

jets to brazil – Your X-Rays Have Just Come Back From the Lab and We Think We Know What Your Problem is

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i seem to have acquired a large number of cover songs in the itunes library. cover songs are great because it’s almost like getting a whole new favourite song.

the problem with cover songs is that because they’re so often done live rather than in the studio, the sound quality isn’t great. ah well, they’re still fun though.

here are a few catchy remakes of new classics and older hits.

MP3 playlist (M3U)

here’s the for those of you with ipods.

Ben Lee – Float On (Modest Mouse cover)
OK GO – Jessie’s Girl (Rick Springfield cover)
Foo Fighters – Keep the Care Running (Arcade FIre cover)
The Blow – Come On Petunia (Police cover – Every LIttle Thing She Does is Magic)
The Shins – We Will Become Silhouettes (The Postal Service cover)
The Bird and the Bee – How Deep is Your Love? (Bee Gees cover)

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i think i’ve mentioned before how one of zeke’s favourite toys is a plain ball of foil. he will play with one for *hours*, batting it about, sliding around the floor after it like a madman – his fascination is endless.

j’s been buying a lot of tunnock’s caramel wafers lately, and balling up the wrapper for zeke to play with when he’s finished. which means the cat now comes running from anywhere in the flat when he hears the faintest crinkle of foil, eyes wide, like some kind of kitty-crackhead, just jonesing for his fix.

have i mentioned he also does this whenever we open the tray of the dvd player to put a disc in? flies into the room like a bat outta hell whenever the supersonic whirring of the tray mechanism starts up, then attempts to catch the tray as it’s coming out and going back in. once, he even went around the back of the tv stand, as if trying to see where it had gone.

oh – and he’s afraid of empty plastic milk bottles and jonno’s guitar, but *not* the hoover or my hair dryer.

our cat is such a freak.

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i went to the dentist last night – i’ve had a toothache for a few weeks, but was terrified to go because the last time i went, i had a filling done which apparently went quite deep. in fact, the dentist said that she couldn’t drill any deeper without hitting nerves, so if the decay came back, i’d need a root canal. i was afraid that this was, in fact, what was causing my toothache.

the good news? i don’t need a root canal, that tooth is fine.

the bad news is that I now have a cavity in the tooth right next to it.

i cursed the paper thin tooth enamel that i inherited from my mother… and celebrated the “no root canal” news by polishing off the box of candy my sister sent.

mary lou lord – sugar sugar

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david cameron, leader of the conservative party, will call for tougher rape laws.

i’ve written about the sickening rape statistics in this country here before:

– About 80% of rapes are never reported
– One-third those reported are not recorded by the police
– Only one fifth of those recorded reaches trial
– Only half those tried result in conviction

The bbc is reporting that he will say too many rapists believe “they can get away with it”.

gee, i wonder what would give them that impression?

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