at the festival this weekend there was a holistic therapy tent for massage, reflexology, etc., and as friends have been urging me to for some time, i decided to finally get some osteopathic treatment for my tmj.

i’ve had this stupid tmj for close to two years now, and i can’t begin to explain how dramatic an impact it can have on daily life. it’s a deep, intensely painful ache at my jaw muscle that starts out feeling like i’ve chewed a piece of gum for far too long, then radiates into my shoulders and back, or turns into a blinding headache. the pain makes me feel overly conscious of my mouth and muscles – like i’m “holding” my jaw funny, which in turn causes more pain, which cause me to hold it even more awkwardly. it interferes with sleep, concentration and mood. it comes and goes for a few weeks or months at a time, and according to my dentist, usually comes from grinding one’s teeth at night, due to stress. while i know i don’t grind, i’ve been told i probably clench my teeth in my sleep, and been fitted for an expensive bite guard to wear at bedtime. and even though this first flared up at a decidedly unstressful time in my life, i wore that guard religiously for six months. it did exactly diddley-squat.

the funny thing is, while i was initially adamant that i was not stressed or uptight, the pain completely disappeared whilst we were travelling. and returned almost instantly with my return to work.

so even though it hasn’t flared up recently, i decided to see an osteopath while one was right in front of me. she looked at my posture, felt my back and shoulder muscles, popped my spine, and relaxed my neck before getting to work on my jaw.

and wow. the amount of pressure she had to exert on my jaw muscles to work at loosening them up almost made me cry. not only because it hurt like a sumnabitch, but also because it was painfully obvious i’d been completely oblivious to the amount of tension i’ve been carrying around. this weight and sadness and exhaustion and dread, all set in my jaw like concrete. i’ve been *enduring* at my job for so long now, that i’ve come to accept this feeling of oppression as part of my normal state of being, and it’s only my body which is trying to tell me what my mind has refused to acknowledge. i’m not happy at work – and it’s hurting me.

she worked so hard at relaxing my jaw. by the time she was done, it was like putty.

and i think she’d dread to know that all her wonderful effort was undone by the end of today, as i sat rubbing my tender face with the palms of my hands.

red hot chili peppers – taste the pain

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