as a kid, my favourite books were the mary poppins series, because they told stories of a world where *anything* could happen, a world where children’s fantasies and reality were inseperable and unpredictable. and somewhere in my travels through the realms of that literary fantasy, the idea of living in london became planted in my head.

more than 20 years later, i determined that i would turn my childhood dreams into a real-life reality. so i got rid of all my belongings, moved in with my mother to save money, took on extra jobs, sold my car, enrolled in night classes, and applied for a student visa. making my decision, to actually getting on a plane took 6 months of hard work and sacrifice. and there were innumerable times when i wondered just what the hell i was getting myself into. i worked 50 hours a week, took beginner college classes 4 nights a week, fought with my mother non-stop, had no social life, no belongings, no transportation – all to move to a city i hadn’t spent more than 48 hours in. to head off blindly into the unknown with no job, no friends, no security. it felt like madness a lot of the time. and it probably was. (i needn’t point out that most thought i had lost my marbles.) i wrote in my journal on the day that i landed, “i made this happen because i fixed my mind on it, and would not let go.” probably the most important lesson in self-determination i’ve ever experienced.

last year, as i was getting ready to leave, i reflected upon the 3 year anniversary of my arrival in london. the initial romance, the inevitable fade. the hard-fought truce i managed to broker between a city trying to best me, and the person i was determined to become. the tension between the fantasy life i thought i would lead, and the reconciliation with a new reality.

and today makes four years. leaving and returning has made me feel even closer to this city in many ways. i came because i felt i needed to. i stayed because i felt i had to. but i returned because i wanted to. i no longer believe in the fantasy – this isn’t mary poppins’ london. but i also no longer need it. the reality of living here, both good and bad, is something i choose every day. every day i don’t get on a plane to be somewhere else, is another vote of commitment to the weight of my life in london. that’s probably not a forever thing, but it’s been enough for four years worth. four years of deciding that even though the fantasy never lived up to the hype, the reality ain’t half bad.

but what i’ve learned about myself between getting off the plane and today… that’s the real dream come true.

i’m not a big dave matthews fan, but through all the hardest times of doubt – every time i thought i’d never get here, or wondered what the hell i was turning my life upside-down for, or felt like kicking out all the windows, or wondered why i had run across an ocean only to end up depressed, lonely, broke and scared – this song carried me through.

dave matthews band – grey street

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There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’ll take the work out of the courage
…
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart

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