blog babble
there’s a huge tempation, somedays, to use this space as a dumping ground for all my less attractive mind spews. undigested anxiety, strings of stress, knots of anger that sink in my stomach like rocks, or venom that bubbles to the surface. to get things out of my system and onto the page. let it all hang out, a typewritten tantrum.
or at other times, to write for people that i know read. cryptically referencing insider information meant only for them, dropping hints, trailing breadcrumbs in a forest of words. obliquely inviting expressions of caring and concern that i’m too shy to ask for. hoping someone reads between the lines, without my having to spell it out.
and then there are things i can’t tell *because* of who reads. things i am not at liberty to share with strangers, that remain hidden in the shadows of past and blurred memory. incomplete episodes, or embarrassing indiscretions that are best left unspoken. not so much secrets (though there are a few of those), as stories that are not mine to tell. restraining myself, respecting invisible boundaries, letting the fingers hover poised over the keys… then folding them into my lap while my mind races ahead.
the temptation is there somedays, to turn this blog into a journal, virtual confessional. twist it to my every emotional whim, spill the letters out in frustration, prayer, or joy.
but if i say “my blog is not my real life”, then i cannot turn my real life into a blog. and i know (in know!) that no matter how much i might want to write about it… not everyone wants to read about it.
i know (i know!) it’s a good rule of thumb, and most of the time i’m glad for it. but sometimes, somedays… it just kinda sucks.
sigh.
song of the day: knapsack – courage was confused
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Comment by amity
15.03.2007 @ 07:14 am
your blog is whatever you want it to be and that can change on a daily basis to suit your needs. you have to write for yourself, not what you think other people want to read. just my opinion, of course!
Comment by Anglofille
15.03.2007 @ 12:27 pm
What do you mean by, “My blog is not my real life”?
Comment by Jen
15.03.2007 @ 15:47 pm
i just mean that it’s not *all* of my life – that what i put out there is only the bits and pieces i select, not a representation of everything i am or even an accurate version of how my life is. i may write happy things, but not be happy – or conversely sad things, but not be sad. these are *pieces* of my life, absolutely. but it’s not my real life.
i guess i like to guard against people thinking they “know” me because of what i choose to write about here. ultimately i control what i want people to think of me and see of me through my blog. i make no false representations – but i am acutely aware what i elect to show to strangers.
it’s very much like the parable of the blind men and the elephant.
Comment by Anglofille
15.03.2007 @ 17:09 pm
I guess what you’re saying is that it’s not your “whole” life. If you say it’s not your “real” life, that implies (to me) that it’s made up. I know that’s not what you mean though.
I don’t think any of us can control what people think of us based on our blogs — recently I’ve learned how a few people perceive me based on my blog and I was shocked. And these people know me personally, which is even more frightening. Just like with a film or a book, once it’s “out there” people can interpret it however they please. And that’s even scarier when what you’re putting out there is your “self” — even if it’s only what people perceive to be your “self” and not the authentic you.
Comment by Jen
15.03.2007 @ 17:21 pm
i know what you’re getting at. and yeah, people will interpret it how they will – and i think that’s why i don’t consider it “real” – not that it’s made up, but that it’s inevitable that it will be distorted or interpreted differently than how i intend it, depending on who’s reading it and their frame of reference or lens. so even if i did put the whole of my life out there, and not just select bits and pieces, it still wouldn’t be my “real” life.
i don’t think i find that scary – just that i’m hyperaware of it.
i am more than the sum of my parts
btw, does this conversation qualify as “meta-blogging”?