i’m going to break one of my cardinal blogging rules today: nothing about anyone else without their consent. and i’m doing so only because i’m pretty sure she won’t mind. besides, this is more about me than her.
j and i went to k & a’s house for dinner last night. and k & a are the kind of friends that are kind enough to never mention all the embarrassing things you say and do when you’re drunk – a state we often seem to find ourselves in when hanging out with them (and you can either read that as an endorsement of their hosting skills, or a commentary on my lack of willpower – most likely a deadly combination of both.) and they’re the kind of people who can always be counted on for plenty of honest, intelligent, opinionated conversation, which is something i value in my friends.
but last night, at around 3am, after far too much wine and in-depth discussion about religion and traditional marriage (warning! danger will robinson! danger!) k and i found ourselves suddenly, unexpectedly and explosively at loggerheads. which took both of us by surprise, i think. one minute we were talking, the next minute we were arguing angrily, full-on. which caused my eyes to start leaking (coming from the emotional equivalent of a sicilian family makes it hiding my feelings pretty damn impossible.) as i went to the bathroom to dry my eyes, i found myself feeling as if i’d just walked away from a car wreck. what the fuck just happened here? how did we manage to go from having fun to fighting in under 60 seconds? my head was spinning from the combination of alcohol and whiplash. anger and confusion were whirling around, but mostly, i was hurt. i felt like just getting my things and going home. in my tipsy state i just wanted to escape and lick my wounds and wait for an apology to surface in calmer waters.
i collected myself, and went back to the now-silent group. i wasn’t sure what to do. i wanted to leave – but i also didn’t want to leave it like that. tension and hurt hanging in the air. a good amount of stubbornness rising to meet them. fear that leaving things unsaid now would leave them unsaid for a long time.
and so i plucked up my courage, swallowed my pride, and asked her to go for a walk. and somewhere in between the sobering chill and the early hours and the listening and the talking and the walking, we worked it out. y’know – like you’re supposed to do with people you care about.
and we hugged and smoothed things out, and both felt, i think immeasurably better than we had 15 minutes before. like something had gone almost to the edge, only to be caught and pulled back at the last second. perhaps that sounds overly dramatic – but it felt dramatic at the time. i don’t have the same depth and breadth of friends over here as i’m used to back in the states – i can’t treat them as casually as i am used to, with the cavalier knowledge that they will always be there to fall back on. those few friendships that i have here are a bit more precious, held close to the chest. and that made the argument feel far more dangerous than just a frivolous spat.
and so in a way, i think we’re both shyly proud of coming through the other side of it with the thread intact. it’s so easy to let hurt feelings and embarrassment keep you from taking a step towards reconciliation, no matter how badly you want it. it would’ve been easier for us to try to pretend it didn’t happen, chalk it up and just take a half step back from the relationship. mentally rescind that offer of trust, rather than allow the vulnerability of apologies. save face at the expense of a friend. we could have done, might have otherwise done, all those things. we’re similar that way – a bit too hard-headed for our own good. and instead, we decided to extend ourselves in the face of the instinct to retreat. be a little braver, more open than we felt. we haven’t acknowledged it out loud – but i sense a new layer of understanding running between us that adds a certain solidity and weight to the idea of “friend”. it’s encouraging.
the moral of the story here is twofold: 1) never discuss religion when drunk (duh!) and 2) sometimes the test of a relationship reveals a strength you didn’t know it had. a shatterproof quality you weren’t aware of until you dropped it. and maybe that makes it more valuable than the relationship you handle with kid gloves.
you don’t want to go throwing it around carelessly – but it’s not as fragile as you feared. because *you* are not as fragile as you feared.
it’s nice to know.
and i’m sorry.
song of the day (with tongue planted firmly in cheek): OK GO – get over it
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