i’ve been writing this blog for nearly three years now. and recently i had thoughts about chucking it all in.
i first started this little project shortly after i moved to london as a way to keep family and friends up to date on what my new life was like – i got tired of cutting and pasting emails about “i did this, i went here, the weather was like this, london is so whatever”. of course, my little hobby quickly evolved into much more than that. it soon became a repository for all my ex-pat musings, daily foibles, and funny experiences. it became a place for self-expression and creativity.
for a long time no one ever read it, but i kept it up anyway because i really enjoyed it. it made me think and write from a richer, deeper place. i invested something of myself in it, and eventually that investment took on a kind of life of its own – something i feel both responsible for and indebted to. so the thought of quitting after all this time is not an idea i toyed with lightly. unfortunately, one of the unexpected side effects of keeping a blog, something no one ever warns you about, is the detrimental effect it can have on real life relationships.
see, once upon a time, people used to email me. we’d have written conversations about everything from the political to the absurd. there was gossip and joking and exchange of ideas and long-distance therapy sessions. i still have those emails saved, and i wouldn’t delete them for anything. people may not write letters any longer, but they used to email me to tell me what was going on in their lives, and to ask how i was. those emails represented some of the best parts of friendship and love and thoughtfulness sent across the distance in a heartbeat. they were electronic love letters from family and friends afar, and they meant so very much to me.
and when they didn’t get a chance to email, people used to pick up the phone and call. just to hear a voice and chat as if we were still only a few miles away. to catch up on events, random life happenings, or things that just couldn’t wait. cheap calling plans and pre-paid cards made it easy to do on the spur of the moment, with only a second thought for the time difference. the kind of spontaneity and immediacy and casualness that writing just can’t convey. i could laugh and talk with people almost as if we were in the same room. it made me feel like i wasn’t alone over here – even when i was.
and people would visit or get together. make the effort to make the trip, carve out a small chunk of time. to see people in person, hug them, feel the solidity of caring behind the arms. there’s no substitute for that. there were plans to come see london and promises to make me play tourguide. there were promises that we see each other. once upon a time.
all that has changed now, and the only thing i can attribute it to is the blog. my virtual presence is seen as a shortcut for real life interaction. people think that because they read what i write, that they know what’s happening in my world. my posts are mistaken for what’s real in my daily life. and it gives people an excuse to cheat – put writing or calling at the bottom of the list of important things to do. to skimp on effort. it’s not done with malice i’m sure – but knowing it’s benign inattention doesn’t make it feel any better.
people make assumptions based on my blog. in truth, however, most of the important stuff of my life never gets written about. there are lots of things i won’t share with virtual strangers, and my innermost emotions are not for public consumption. my life, my *real life*, the things at the core of who i am, the things that are closest to my heart – they’re not open for discussion. not here. not ever.
i put a lot of stuff out there – but it’s basically a one way conversation. real relationships should never be that lopsided.
i created this blog to improve communication with my friends and family, and i couldn’t possibly make it any easier for people to keep in touch. but things are getting worse, not better. and so i’ve been tempted lately to cease and desist. i was going to post this before christmas and announce i was taking a break.
but recently a cousin i haven’t seen in years emailed me through my blog. we used to be close as kids, but as adults we’ve all drifted off into our own lives – and i’ve wondered where my extended family was and what they were doing nowadays. when she got in touch, it was so good to reconnect, even in a limited way, that it made me realise i might have missed that chance, if not for my blog.
so i’ll keep writing, keep putting stuff out there – if only for the chances i may otherwise miss.
but perhaps stop and see if you recognise any bit of yourself in what i’ve said here – if maybe you feel like things have become a bit imbalanced between us too. people are busy, i know. this post isn’t directed at any one person or group, and it’s not in response to any particular event. but for the new year, it’d be nice if more people took time to *write* to me, rather than just read me. a little more equitable give and take.
because relationships and blogs both take effort and time. but they should never be mistaken for each other.
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