i recently met up with a friend of mine for some drinks. it was the first time we’d caught up since my return from travel, and she had previously done a rtw trip herself, so there was a lot of reminiscing about places and experiences, comparing notes on memories and fun. eventually we got round to the topic of what it is like to come back to the u.k. after so long away, a process which, for lack of a better term i have been calling “re-entry”. like an astronaut coming back into earth’s orbit, readjusting to the weight of gravity, and having such an extraordinary experience but landing with a thump back into everyday life. in particular, getting used to being an expat again – a permanent foreigner rather than just a strange tourist passing through.
i’m eligible for british citizenship in just a few more months. it’s really astounding how quickly time has passed – seems only yesterday that i started this blog after finally getting a work permit that meant i could stay. but in march 07, i will have been here for 4 years – longer than i ever imagined, yet shorter than i could’ve thought possible. in particular, having this blog has enabled me to really explore my own experience, from a variety of different perspectives. but i’ve never stopped feeling like an expat.
the u.k. government says that i have proven myself sufficiently british to become a citizen. but even if i lived here 20 years, i’d never feel like a brit. is it right to avail yourself of the benefits of a system you don’t believe in?
what i have discovered, upon re-entry, however, is that i’ve entered a new phase in my london life. something i really never expected to feel – genuine affection for a lifestyle and culture which i can now claim as my own. in talking with my friend (whose husband is a kiwi) we came to the conclusion that there are several distinct phases an expat goes through.
first there’s the initial honeymoon phase – everything new is fascinating or quaint, exciting or curious. from learning to cross the street to becoming familiar with local brands, to figuring out the money and transportation, it’s all one big adventure where evry day you discover something new. my first trip to a grocery store was a revelation – all the novelty, all the choice! i thought i’d never tire of it.
the second phase is one of frustration – all the things you initially thought were charmingly quirky begin to grate on your nerves, and all the obstacles there are to surmount with living in a new country just wear you down. new lingo, new customs, new life – it’s all a lot to get used to, and constantly having to navigate your way in uncharted territory is so tiring. getting used to being paid monthly, trying to learn metric, not knowing where to buy pie tins or even if they have them here. you struggle to understand and be understood. the prevailing sentiment is one of “this country is so backwards/inefficient/confusing/generally stoopid” and it’s at this point you being to wonder just what the hell you’re doing here anyway when it would be so much easier to go home. and a lot of people do.
but if you make it through that phase, you enter into what i call “the uneasy truce”. sure some things about the country and its people are great, and some things will drive you mad. but you begin to see there’s real merit in how things are done on both sides of the atlantic, and you’ve decided, for better or worse, that this is where you will be for the forseeable future. you may not love it, but you’re part of it – and it becomes part of you. so you grumble about the weather and kvetch about the tube like a proper londoner. you settle in for the long haul and make your peace with the fact that there is no “dunkin’ donuts” coffee to be had, and that doing laundry takes 3 hours. you adapt and survive and even flourish where you’re planted. you make some friends and find yourself explaining to people back in the states that air-drying clothes *really is* more eco-friendly. you have your routine, you have your circle, you have your life. and it’s only when you find yourself surrounded by new people that you remember you are still a novelty, still have to explain your background and how/ why you’re here. you may fit into your everyday world, but the minute you’re out of your element, you are reminded you’re still a stranger here. and always will be. it’s a suspended state of tension, but you get used to it.
and finally there is (what i hope is) the final phase. one of a warm fondness and almost protective feeling toward those attributes and characteristics which you’ve come to embrace as a part of your home. it caught me off balance, this feeling of devotion upon returning. for all my moaning, it seems i have come to cherish this place in spite of myself. in hindsight, of course, it was bound to happen – you can’t voluntarily remain someplace without immersing in it, becoming permeated by it. or even more accurately, engaging with it as a part of your personality, as a friend, as a comfort. but that means acknowledging that it is a part of my happiness – and that brings a loyalty and responsibility to care for it. a willingness to give of myself, in return for what has been given. much like a marriage, i may always have a love/hate relationship with it – but i miss this place when i am not here.
to my utter surprise, i find i have an allegiance to this country, these people. and it took leaving to figure that out.
so i will take up british citizenship when it is offered. i may always be an expat, always an outsider looking in, but i have as much stake in this place as any “real” brit does. it’s become part of who i am, even without fanfare or ceremony.
really the oath and passport are just secondary.