It’s a little embarrassing how much creatures of habit j and i can be. i was out for brunch with kim this weekend, and we ended up on the tea vs. coffee debate. And I was telling her how i was never a big tea person until meeting j. j is the designated tea-maker in the house. he makes almost all the tea, all the time (the drink, not the meal). which is okay, because i make the morning coffee, and cook dinner every evening.

and I found myself outlining the following daily schedule:

i get up between 6:30 and 7, take a shower then make coffee while j gets ready for work. j leaves at 8 while I leave shortly after. i get home from work around 4:30, and putter on the computer until j gets home an hour later. j makes us a cup of tea and a snack, and at 6:30 we sit and watch master chef (i *love* that show! it’s basically a cook-off show-down programme, and it’s so addictive). we putter for another hour, and j makes us another cup of tea. then j takes a shower while I make dinner. we have dinner together, and then putter some more. then j makes another cup of tea about 10:00, and sometimes a treat for dessert, and we usually watch whatever is worth watching (generally, not much). then j makes us another cup of tea while we start winding down and getting ready for bed between 11 and 12. then usually he has one last cup of tea before going to sleep – by that time, i decline as i’m ready to float away.

so, all of this was by way of saying that I can usually end up having about 4-5 cups of tea on a weekday, many, many, *many* more on the weekend. however the saddest thing about this story is not how much tea we drink, but rather how we seem to have fallen into this extraordinarily predictable routine, without even trying. i like routine. i like ritual. it’s soothing and there’s nothing about the above that i want to change. i like the fact that we eat dinner together, go to bed together, and have our little ways of connecting intermittently throughout the day. it’s a comfortable pattern borne of choice, not boredom.

but somehow the schedule seems to have started dictating our tea consumption. the british ritual of “elevenses” is a lovely idea, but we appear to have turned it into “every-hour-and-a-half-ses”. the predictable nature of our everyday routine has fostered the growth of a monkey on our back. maybe that’s not such a good thing.

when a daily habit starts fueling a massive caffeine addiction, there’s something gone awry…

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For those of you Stateside who have to suffer through the monologue of lies, here’s a way to make the “state of the union” address fun: the state of the union drinking game.

whereupon every time he:

defends the necessity or legality of the NSA surveillance program – drink while looking over the shoulder of the person next to you

says “border security” or “illegal immigration” – do 1 shot of tequila

mentions “Scooter Libby”; or other reference to “Plamegate” – Poke a hole in your cup and drink from the leak

If you’re really looking to get wild and crazy, arianna huffington has tips and suggestions for throwing your very own S>O>T>U> party, including games such as “guess the guest” and “beat the speaker”.

you can also use this as the perfect excuse to drown you sorrows over the alito confirmation.

whoopdee. fucking. do.

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state of the union address, drinking games, alito

fun new (to me) things i’m enjoying:

the onion’s podcast – hilarity straight to your ipod

photojunkie – aspirational photography inspiration

Londonist – by, for, and about london

salon’s audiofile – quality music for free

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salon, photojunkie, londonist, the onion

Y’know, I’m not a very vain person. Sure, I like to try to look nice as much as the next person. But I have no problem wandering out of the house to run errands with no makeup on. I don’t get extravagant haircuts or manicures. When I had more disposable income, I liked to splurge on a few fancy products, but I’ve never been under the illusion that they were somehow better than the cheap stuff, or did anything magical.

I don’t need a lot of time primping in front of the mirror, and I don’t match my bag to my shoes. I’m what they call “low maintenance”. I can spruce up nice for an occasion, but for day to day, I’m fairly basic. If I look clean, neat, and have my underwear on the right way round, I call it good.

But I’m getting more and more concerned with the signs of aging. Up until recently, I’ve always been told I look younger than I am. People routinely guessed my age at a flattering 26 or 27. And I feel young. Hell, I feel years younger now than I did 10 years ago. I keep my hair dyed and moisturise religiously. i try to stay relatively fit and semi-firm. I quit smoking in large part because i didn’t want to wind up with the drawn and sallow look of long-term human chimneys.

Lately, however, the greys seem to be cropping up fast and furious. In between dye jobs, there are the telltale little white sprouts, and they seem to be multiplying. The other day I was noticing a new wrinkle and trying to figure out what caused it (since it didn’t seem to be an expression line from smiling or frowning) and came to the conclusion that it was from squashing my face into the pillow, night after night. this past year, I’ve noticed just how creaky my body is actually getting. and my metabolism certainly ain’t what it used to be.

it occurred to me the other day that if the average life span of a woman is 78, then I am due to hit middle age in just 6 years time.

I don’t want to feel old and frumpy – but increasingly that’s what i see when i look in the mirror, and it’s so discouraging. I see people who are only a few years older than myself and think how haggard they seem – and worry if I am headed for the same fate. a scary prospect. i know there are contributing circumstances, but really – how different can their lives be from mine?

i don’t think i look old – but the idea of a growing mismatch between my exterior and my interior is distressing. i don’t want to spend time and energy chasing a youth that can never be recaptured. yet I worry that if i just accept and embrace growing older, that the process will only accelerate. i admire people like susan sarandon, who age gracefully aand naturally. But I have to wonder how much of that is due to good genetics, living a good life, or a fierce behind-the-scenes battle to stave off the inevitable.

i realise you can’t stop the march of time, but maybe if i’m lucky i can figure out how to slow it down to a lazy stroll.

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aging process

ugh. sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. i spent the greater portion of today trying to install a php gallery application for all my photos. when i initially set up my website, i didn’t really know what the hell i was doing (although not much has changed there – i’m still just winging it) and consequently most of my initial photos and album pages were set up pell-mell. the organisational structure of my site sucks, and it’s been bothering me for ages. so i finally figured the best thing to do with all my current photos (and for all the photos soon to come) would be to move them all to a photo subdomain, and sort them out there. then i could integrate the individual directories with each appropriate blog (the regular one and the rtw one i’m setting up), yet they’d all be in the same place following the same heirarchy.

and theoretically it’s a great idea. found some great php photo gallery applications which should have allowed me to do that perfectly. i spent ages installing one… only to find that it won’t work because my stupid web host has decided to implement “php safe mode”. which essentially is a foolish and ineffectual way to solve the shared server security dilemma. since i don’t host my own site (something which is looking more and more appealing!) i have no control over this. and it basically means (i think, after extensive reading) that i can’t run a program in one subdomain and have it use or write information in another subdomain. anything i want to set up in “photos” has to stay in “photos” – there’s no way to integrate it with the blog in “www” or the one in “worldtour”.

Bloody hell. I wish I’d never had cause to know most of this. My problem is that I can never leave well enough alone. Even though no one can see the messiness behind the scenes, I can. And it *bothers* me. And I want this to be something I do properly, so I don’t have to mess with it later. I just want something that looks nice and clean and tidy. My other problem is that i ambitiously attempt things well beyond the scope of my current abilities, then just plug away at it, futzing and reading and futzing some more, until i manage to get something half-assed in place. i should stick to the simple stuff, and i’d be a much happier girl.

< *sigh*>

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Everyone’s all abuzz over the Hamas win in the palestinian elections. Personally, I think it’s incredibly difficult to predict what might happen. that’s the rub with the democratic process: you might not like who they elect, but it’s nearly impossible to invalidate their choice.

and i think that’s precisely what the palestinians are looking for – validation and acknowledgement. it’s a wake up call, saying, “hey we’re here, and we won’t be ignored any longer. this is the party we think can get stuff done.”

but how do you engage with a group who simultaneously refuse to acknowledge a state, and call for its destruction? (there’s a conundrum!) How do you attempt to change the dialogue without implicitly recognising their position? in that respect, i think it’s very clever – the palestinians finally have the ball in their court, and the power of legitimacy behind it. it’s the strongest position they’ve ever held, and i can understand why they’ve done it.

but have they cut off their nose to spite their face? as slate says, “With Hamas democratically elected into power, a peace process leading to the formation of a Palestinian state is no longer a viable option—unless the organization completely changes its ways.” They’ve either played it brilliantly, or painted themselves into a corner.

in a way, it charges both sides with trying to do things differently. to play ball with the big boys, hamas will have to step up their game. and to support them in reaching that new level, the westernised countries will have to let them in to play. both sides will have to drop some of the rhetoric which makes drawing lines in the sand such an easy option. the real work either starts here, or ends before it’s begun.

the only alternative is bloodshed.

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reading more about the china/google/censorship item. for me the question comes down to this: is incomplete information better than no information at all? In general, i’m not one to support the idea that engaging with china on its own terms will somehow magically foster the impetus for westernised democracy. I think china will take the best of what’s offered to it, whilst completely reserving the right to reject any demands made in return. it’s like feeding a lion, and expecting the lion to feel some sense of obligation for that. i thoroughly disagree with giving the olympics to beijing – they would never have given them to cuba or north korea, and those regimes are just as repressive.

and i even have mixed feelings about visiting. i still remember, so vividly, the tienanmen square massacre, and the student staring down the tank. it’s impossible to remain unmoved by the plight of people so desparate for change they are willing to face death head on.

but the internet is something else – it’s a portal of information. the information coming through provides the recipients the necessary tools to widen the portal. it only takes one leak in the dam to break the dyke. and i think those of us who have the luxury of unrestricted information at our fingertips can stand afford to stand on principle, and say that google should have held out for something which may never materialise – but we forget that’s a luxury many people in the world still don’t have.

so is a narrow portal better or worse than no portal at all? i think that’s what’s at the crux of the argument. and i think i know which way the chinese people would vote – if they could vote at all.

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my apologies for the site fuckups! I’ve been extremely frustrated most of today. I have no idea what’s going on and can’t seem to get through to anyone.

anyway, while i have temporary access to my soapbox… google has decided to censor itself to gain entry to the chinese market. part of me is really disappointed, but the other part of me sees it as a very crafty move. I think in theory it’s horrible. In reality, there are probably many, many ways to get around any internet restrictions. China can continue to try to clamp down, but they’re fighting a losing battle. The horse has left the stable. Hell, people from China have gotten to *my* site! Nothing like putting an obstacle in front of someone to inspire them to find ways around it. The internet is unstoppable.

I guess my thinking is that while they may be conceding by closing a window, they’re really opening a huge giant door. As J said, “Show me the URL of a *unacceptable* site that a government has closed and I’ll show you 3 replacement sites and 20 blogs critisizing the state for oppression. Where theres a will (and a few Yuan) theres a willing ISP to take you there…”

and with that, i’m off to bed, hoping that tomorrow will see no server problems or i will have to hunt someone down and go all aggro new yorker on their ace.

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You know, i haven’t been following the alito hearings because it’s was always a fait accompli, and dwelling on it just makes my gut twist. Is he qualified? Sure. The problem is that no matter how you wrap it, the bulk of judicial decision-making comes down to interpretation coloured by opinion. And I doubt, from what I’ve read so far, that his opinion has very much in common with mine. Unfortunately, his counts for a helluva lot more.

Senator Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., declared, “If one is pro-choice in this day and age, in this structure, one can’t vote for Judge Alito. It is simply that simple.”

’nuff said.

Read a very interesting article today on “the pornification of america”, about how omnipresent sexual material has become in our society.

…the porn aesthetic has become so pervasive that it now serves as a kind of sensory wallpaper, something that many people don’t even notice anymore. The free-speech-versus-censorship debates that invariably surround actual pornography do not burn as hot when the underlying principles of porn are filtered more subtly into the mainstream.

whatever one might think of the pervasive sexual overtones and what it does to the the social standing of women, I think it is getting to the point where the backlash is building. I know that sounds a bit naive, but as mentioned above, it’s gotten to the point where sex is becoming background noise. Because of this, I theorise there’s going to be a backlash because sex is losing its effectiveness to sell – and the effectiveness which has, to this point been so thoroughly exploited, is dependent on a) the ability to shock and b) the element of taboo. Both of those angles have been stretched to their breaking point. By saturating the market with sexual messages, advertisers and marketeers are shooting themselves in the foot, when it fails to titilate as it once did. There’s only so far one can take the notion of define one’s actions in direct opposition to something (i.e. if the conservative right is decrying the loss of “family values”, you can only go 180 degrees opposite to that before you run out of room). It’s like those adverts that get your attention through silence – when you become so used to tuning out the loud, brash, in-your-face manipulation, the subtle approach works by appearing in stark contrast. as a ploy, that might work for a while… but not forever.

the article also makes the argument that:

…the ”conservative right, in its eagerness to keep sexuality forbidden, is really just stoking the fire of an appetite for porn, for naughtiness, for the whole lust for sexual transgression.” She maintains that if conservative forces were to ”give up their repressive game where sex is concerned,” the mainstream manifestations of porn will lose their appeal to a lot of people.

The example of the UK would seem to support this. Here there is a healthy dose of realism – t & a are definitely for adult consumption, but theres no shying away from it either. turn on any channel five late movie and what you’re watching is something you could easily rent off the back shelf of the video store. Because there’s no pretense of puritanism to rebel against, there’s much less “risque” material floating around. For the most part, things are not sold using sexually explicit imagery or innuendo. Politicians say very little, in fact, about sex and the media, and feel no need to hang their hat on prudishness.

America needs to drop its facade of innocence – it’s not fooling anyone anyway. The pendulum will have to swing back the other way eventually, and though i doubt we’ll ever go back to the days of long petticoats and white gloves, the people who make their living using sex to sell cars/music/blenders will be forced to be < *gasp*> original.

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Oh my god, yet another day of server problems. I am so incredibly
frustrated, I could scream.

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argh – you know, with the amount of money i pay per month, it would be nice if i could reliably access my own website from my isp. we actually have 2 different connections at our house – one’s
a bt line, the other is wanadoo. And i will refrain from telling you what I wanadoo to them. We recently got upgraded to an 8mg line (in theory, anyway) which has solved a few of the problems. But more often than not, i can’t log onto anything having to do with jnoelbell.me.uk.

However this evening the problem seems to be server related, as i can’t access it from either connection. this is the second time in a month that my site has been down – pretty friggin annoying considering that i just renewed my contract. it’s just too big a pain in the ass to migrate all my stuff but i cannot express how annoying it is to feel like you’re paying a lot and getting very little. their customer service bites, to boot.

so i will send this email out into the ether and see what happens…

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into week 11 of the waiting game.

it’s been a quietly uneventful weekend thus far. i am firmly esconced in figuring out how i want to set up our round-the-world blog, so if you see some wierdness, it’s just me playing around. as excited as I am, I am trying very hard not to make firm mental plans, and instead leave myself open to the endless possibilities that are presented when you land in a completely foreign country. j, as usual, is completely, inscrutably equivocal. when i ask him what he’s curious to see, he says he wants to see all of it equally. i push him, saying surely there must be something he’s heard or read about that piqued his interest. he claims he’s interested in all of it. i press and press, saying that obviously all of it will be interesting, but there must be some sights or areas that he’d want to try to work into the itinerary, and only after intensively badgering him, will he grudgingly admit to wanting to see the aticama desert in chile, and mount cook in new zealand. good lord, it’s like pulling teeth! you’d think he didn’t even want to go, but he tells me he’s trying not to get excited just yet, so the time doesn’t drag. until then, i am bouncing all over the place – alone. but anyone who knows me understands that that is not an altogether uncommon occurence. i get just a little bit hyper when i’m excited.

i’ve also spent a goodly portion of the weekend downloading music from “scrubs”. which takes longer than you would think. lots of acoustic-y goodness, which manages to all sound just about the same.

y’know what I miss? i miss watching ice skating. it’s on this afternoon, and i’ve been stuck in front of the telly watching it. most people think it’s goofy, with the costumes and the music, but I love it. i find it amusing that it’s such a novel sport over here. people queue for ages for the few outdoor rinks that are set up for the winter at kew gardens or somerset house. it’s odd that, in general, the u.k. doesn’t really “do” winter sports. there’s little ice hockey or ice skating. and of course, there’s no skiing or snowsports. but even though london doesn’t get very cold, parts of northern england and scotland are very blustery, and plenty of people spend time on the mainland, so what gives? i just think it’s peculiar that there’s so little interest in winter activities.

and getting back to our trip – i am very excited to see big snow in new zealand! considering that we’ll be there during their winter, there’s a definite chance to see some real quantities of fluffy white stuff. jonno is psyched for his fourth snow sighting. me – i just miss it. winter here is well and truly over, and all there was to show for it was a handful of frosty evenings, a few slushy flakes, and endless days of clouds.

bring on spring.

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Good lord. just when i think i’ve run out of things to be simltaneously furious and paranoid about: the federal gov’t tries to subpoena google search records.

what the fuckety fuck fuck??? how on god’s green earth can it be at all legal to randomly accumulate massive amounts of information on perfectly innocent citizens?!

urgh – there are not enough expletives and exclamation marks in the world. scarier still, is that “Google’s main competitors have complied with the White House subpoena, according to the court papers. “

Now I don’t pretend to believe for a second that google has done this out of anything other than pure self interests (namely advertising and marketing dollars). but still, good on them and their “don’t be evil” slogan.

in other sad news, there’s a whale in the thames. had i only looked out my office window at the right time, I might have spotted it. hopefully it will make it’s way back to deep water. but strangely enough, apparently porpoises have been spotted eating fish by vauxhall bridge – as the weather turns warmer, I’ll have to be on the lookout!

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google, subpoena, records, search engines

MP3 playlist (M3U)

podcast feed is here

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Lovelovelove the ipod. have named her ivanka.

yes, there are at least 9 things my ipod can’t do.

and i’ve yet to fully explore ipod video bittorrent stuff.

but i did put the tube and nyc subway maps on my ipod.

i’ve browsed through tonnes of podcasts.

i’ve shopped the accessories.

i’ve tried foreign language lessons, ebooks and recipes.

i will soon be downloading the second season of “lost” to take on the road.

but the best part of ivanka is how much happier i arrive at work in the mornings. no matter what kind of mood i wake up in, or what faces me as i walk in the office, i am a thousand times more relaxed and cheery by the time i get there. the only downside is how foolish i must look with all my involuntary humming, tapping and nodding.

but who the hell cares??

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ipod, bittorrent, podcasts, ebooks, ipod subway maps

been keeping away from the politics lately because a) the ominous rumblings about iran scare the bejeezus out of me and b) it’s so much more pleasant to browse websites about the beauty that is new zealand.

But thank goodness there is still a modicum of common sense out there: bush can’t punish assisted suicide doctors.

From the day we’re born we’re dying – the minute people stop being afraid of that fact, they’ll stop feeling the need to tell people how and when they can or cannot die. Bush’s “culture of life” seems to be trying to promulgate the notion that human life is so special and unique that it must be preserved at all costs, irrespective of the concepts of dignity and control.

Human life is not unique. We will all die, no matter what we do, and in spite of all our best efforts. Billions of people have lived, are living, will live… and we all *die*. It is a forgone conclusion, absolute truth, fait accompli.

What *is* unique about humans is that we are wholly conscious of our ultimate fate. And we have the means to control the method and manner in which we will die. Animals don’t. There is no informed suicide amongst the rest of the species. Yet if I wanted to end my life next week, I could. I’m healthy, relatively young, fully compos mentis. I have the luxury of overdosing in my bed, or slitting my wrists in the tub, or blowing my brains out, if I so choose.

So why, oh why, would we deny the people who need a graceful exit most – the people wracked with pain, or helplessly disabled, or losing their few last precious conscious thoughts – why would we not grant their simple request of honouring their life with a peaceful and decent end?

The “culture of life” is completely heartless and cruel, and I’m glad to see that this ruling upholds one of the few humane acts we can provide for our fellow humans.

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oregon, supreme court, assisted suicide

was meme-tagged by the vol abroad, so I’ll play along (everyone already thinks i’m a dork anyway…)

5 JOBS YOU’VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE:
full time babysitter
burger flipper (for 8 full weeks!)
camp counselor
case manager for people with learning disabilities
quality assurance manager for above
(honourable mention: psychological study subject, slave to love)

5 MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
any movie with john cusack
any coen brothers movie
any charlie kaufman/spike jonze collaboration
e.t.
high fidelity
(Honourable mention: the x-rated mental movie i have of dave grohl)

5 PLACES YOU’VE LIVED:
boston
asuncion, paraguay
montreal
brooklyn, new york city
london
(honourable mention: council worker hell, and da *ghetto*)

5 TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH:
mtv’s “pimp my ride”
“west wing”
“sopranos”
“lost”
sir david attenborough (sp?) nature specials
(honourable mention: “arrested development”, but we can only watch that on dvd…)

5 PLACES YOU’VE BEEN ON VACATION:
St. John, USVI
South Africa
Grand Canyon
Rome
Mexico
(honourable mention: camping on the town common, castle douglas, scotland)

5 WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY:
dooce
americanexpats
lifehacker
gofugyourself
metafilter
(honourable mention: my own)

5 OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS:
pizza
chips (fries)
french toast (*not* eggy bread)
peeps
poptarts
(honourable mention: brunch)

5 PLACES YOU’D RATHER BE:
on a yacht, being fanned by nubile young men
atop the petronas towers
patagonia
snowboarding
on the first leg of our round the world trip
(honourable mention: anywhere but here)

5 ALBUMS YOU CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT:
ooooooooohhhh – no fair! okay, these are all old skool, but i guess that’s why i can’t live without them
joni mitchell – “blue”
foo fighters – “there is nothing left to lose”
the beatles – “white album”
lauryn hill – “the miseducation of lauryn hill”
the pretenders – “the singles”
(honourable mention: too many!)

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meme

okay, i edited them down to a manageable 71!

The work itself is just unbelievable. I wandered through in awe – i’ve been a fan of chihuly’s work for a long time, and own several hours of videos on his installations in venice.

I could’ve spent days there. Luckily J dragged me home in time for dinner

View the full album here

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chihuly at kew, dale chihuly, glass

Finally got to see the unbelievable chihuly exhibit at kew gardens. I took two hundred photos, drained a set of batteries, and filled up my memory card. So, still getting those sorted and edited, but in the meantime, here’s a small selection:

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chihuly at kew, chihuly

i am a runner.

i’ve been running since i was 14, and my friend nathaly and i just decided we’d start jogging down furnace brook parkway on saturday mornings during our summer vacation. I have no idea why we started that, and I certainly had no idea that i was embarking on something that would, over the next 20 years, consume me, frustrate me, addict me, enrage me, pain me and sustain me.

I have spent probably whole years of my life running. I’ve trained for 4 and a half marathons, rehabbed my knee twice from scratch, worn through countless of pairs of shoes, and sworn it off at least a dozen times. i’ve run in the dark, i’ve run at 4:00 in the morning, i’ve run in snow, i’ve run in 100 degrees fahrenheit, i’ve run when i was sick, and i’ve run til i’ve been ill.

there aren’t many things i would say i’m good at, but running is one of them. it’s one of the few constants in my life, the only thing i keep coming back to in spite of pain, sorrow, and mind-numbing boredom. because when it’s good, it feels really fucking good. like you’re gliding and you could just keep going forever. like everything is just completely fluid motion and your muscles and lungs and heart are all working together in synchronicity and it’s effortless cycling of energy that you draw from the air and the ground and it just flows through you like blood in your veins, and you could go faster and faster and never stop. like you are a conduit for turning oxygen into motion, and it’s the most natural thing in the world.

of course, it takes a helluva a lot of huffing and puffing to get to that point. there are days when it’s cold and your legs feel like lead and you immediately get a stitch in your side and it takes feats of supreme effort to keep putting one foot in front of the other. and you get sweaty and bored and chafed. and you have to go when it’s cold or dark or you have cramps or a hangover. there are plenty of days when i still have to fool myself into going running. when i promise myself that if i just put my running shoes on, i don’t *have to* go. of course, once they’re on, i feel too guilty not to go. mental trickery. really, that’s what most of it boils down to. stubbornness and mind games.

but when you can run 10, 15, 20 miles… you feel invincible. you feel strong and healthy and *pure*. like you’ve sweated out every toxin, and all your pores are open, and each individual cell in your body is alive. it’s an amazing feeling, and it’s worth every blister or runny nose or stomach ache. it’s easy to forget – i haven’t run in about six months (swore it off again) but going for a short run this morning, with the tunes pumping through my ipod and my rhythm in my stride, it all came flooding back to me, just why i do this.

in spite of all the ups and downs, or perhaps because of them – i’m a runner.

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running

Ever have a dream that is so vivid it leaves you shaken for the rest of the day?

I’ve been having intense jaw pain lately. The muscles on the side of my face feel like I’ve been chewing the same piece of gum for 2 weeks straight. It’s been going on for about 4 months now, and it gets so bad it triggers eye strain, headaches and nausea. I went to see the dentist about it, but he was convinced I was clenching my teeth at night. I, on the other hand, am convinced I don’t. No one (who’s ever slept in the same bed as me) has ever told me I do, and usually my jaw actually feels better in the morning. Then he told me it might be stress, but it happens even on the weekends and holidays. It’s interfering with my sleep because i become so *aware* of how I’m holding my jaw and concentrate so hard on trying to relax it, that the rest of me can’t relax, and then I start to panic about not being able to fall asleep, which keeps me awake even longer. I’ve actually developed new wrinkles since all this started.

But I didn’t realise just how badly it’s affected me until i woke up in tears and horror last night, from a dream in which the whole lower right portion of my jaw, including teeth, bloody roots, and bone, lifted out of my mouth like a set of dentures, leaving a hole i could fit my whole tongue into. the shock made me ill, and that’s what woke me up.

It’s been recommended I go see a cranial osteopath, but I’ve been postponing as it’s so expensive. Clearly, my subconscious is telling me it’s worth a restful night’s sleep.

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