samhain blessings/happy halloween!

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if you really sat down to write about your life, how much would people not know about you? the parts you glossed over, or omitted from memory, or swept under that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? the parts where you weren’t particularly pretty or sane, but without which, the you of now would never exist. they’re part of your skin, tattooed in your veins – imperceptibly indelible.

there are people who read my blog, who think i am very brave for writing about my personal life. trust me when I tell you it’s the telly-sanitised version. the real stuff of my living never gets put into words. the public me on offer is only the plastic shell that i want people to see.

why such introspection on a saturday morning? because sometimes closure drops into your lap when you least expect it. there have been people in my life whom i’ve lost touch with, whose role only makes sense in the rearview mirror. people who were there at a time and place where i was fucked up, or they were, or the world was just tilting at a strange angle and we both happened to be walking sideways together. and i’ve long since made peace with it, because even if it was never said aloud, i kind of always knew what happened and why, even if i didn’t handle it very well at the time. but you think about them when you hear a certain song, or the light has a particular bittersweet quality in autumn. and you wonder where they are now, what they’re doing, who they turned out to be. some people affect you in ways that you can only fully appreciate retrospectively. it’s true – some people change you. i know i’m being horribly mawkish, but i’m only on my third cup of coffee, so cut me some slack.

and then, the internet delivers news of them to your front door. through the miracle of google and bloggyology, and the little piece of software in wordpress that monitors in-linking and reports on who has seen fit to mention my little web corner. i opened up my computer to blog about vegetarianism, and instead found the answer i’d been looking for since i was 19. the pieces all fit into place now, and i can smile about it. i always knew… but now I know.

and if you happen to be reading: i’ve thought of you too, and i’m so glad you’re well. i hope that someday you’ll consider getting in touch, even if only just to say hello. because there are so few people in our short lives that actually ever matter. and you did.

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so it’s been a slow week, i know – i’ve been ill and work has been hectic and to be perfectly honest when I get home i’ve just been crashing out.

in which case, i think some friday frivolity is well in order…

want to know how much water you can boil with your birthday candles? the birthday calculator

belly up to the bar – Tiki Bar Tv

good smell perplexes new yorkers… because when it doesn’t smell like rotting sewage, that’s news, baby!

continuing on in the same vein… overheard in new york

Girl #1: I’d offer to set you up with him, but you’re already occupied.
Girl #2: I am not occupied.
Girl #1: Please! You’re so occupied, you’re the Gaza Strip.
Girl #2: Don’t you watch the news?

–111th & Broadway

slate on baseball: why sox aren’t socks. he he, the skankees used to be called the “porchclimbers”, he he.

and finally, no wonder he walks funny… lenny kravitz gets sued for a second time over a clogged toilet

peace out, y’all

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You know, I find the whole difference in race relations between the U.s. and the u.k. very interesting.

Rosa Parks died today. As one of the most iconic figures of the civil rights movement, her arrest for refusing to give up her seat on the bus launched a struggle for equality between the races that most would say is still going on today. The landmark events in Selma, montgomery and birmingham were the foundation for enforced desegregation around the country. And the prevailing message from that time became “separate but equal is not equal”. america continues to grapple with the fallout from hundreds of years of institutionalised racism, and it’s easy to forget that the civil rights movement was fewer than 50 years ago, only 2 or 3 generations removed. however, whatever other fights still need to be fought to eradicate persistent discrepancies on the social, economic and political fronts, that message carries through as the cornerstone of our belief in the need for an integrated society in america.

here in the u.k., it is a very different kind of world. because the u.k. was never saddled with the legacy of slavery in the same way the u.s. was, it seems that much of the historic atmosphere here *has* been “separate but equal”. while there has never been a need for a “civil rights movement”, there has also never been a head on confrontation of just how divisive racism can be. while london is a large multiracial city, there seems to me to be a lot of self-segregation in comparison to other large cities (not just in the poorer, inner-icty areas). It’s not uncommon to hear black people described as “coloured”, or biracial people called “half-caste”. These are terms still make my ears cringe, although they don’t carry the same sort of weight as they would in the u.s. And while there are laws on the books against “inciting racial hatred”, scratch just below the surface in many areas and you’ll find racial tensions still run deep.

there is no such thing as “freedom of speech” here. you can, in fact, be jailed for saying the types of things aryan nation and the kkk routinely spout (or certain bonkers black activists, for that matter). at the same time, they often deride the u.s. for being too “politically correct”. but trying to legislate civility doesn’t keep hate crimes from occuring, or race riots from breaking out . in fact, i think it’s a false sense of security – the illusion that things are better than they are. in my opinion, birmingham, england is not, in fact, that different to birmingham, alabama. the only difference being that at least in the u.s., we are forced to continually acknowledge and address our faults and issues. and i truly believe it is better to expose things to light and air so they can heal, rather than let them fester just below the skin. and somehow i think mrs. parks would have agreed.

as rosa said: “I am leaving this legacy to all of you … to bring peace, justice, equality, love and a fulfillment of what our lives should be. Without vision, the people will perish, and without courage and inspiration, dreams will die – the dream of freedom and peace.”

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and not very pleased! I am sooo sick and tired of being sick and tired in this country!! This has never happened to me in any other city i’ve ever lived in.

the upshot being… i’m cranky. guy fawkes day/bonfire night is coming up here, and people have been going nuts with the stoopid firecrackers for like two weeks now… enough!

lest this turn into (yet another) generalised malingering rant, here’s some interesting judicial linkage for ya:

how a staged sex crime fooled the supreme court

on a theme: the kansas supreme court has ruled that disease prevention does not justify longer jail sentences for gay than straight statutory rape.

in the face of an embarrassing nominee withdrawal, bush digs in his heels. because let’s face it – bush doesn’t do withdrawals, troop or nominee.

hokey dokey, that’s all for today folks. hopefully i’ll be a healthier, better blogger tomorrow.

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“A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed that what really matters is *WHAT* you like, not what you *ARE* like. Books, records, films – these things matter! Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth.”

High Fidelity

so what do your reading/watching/listening habits say about you? For example, I was recently challenged to name my top five all-time favourite movies. Do you know how difficult that is? try it and see. no “reserve” list, no alternates, no more than five. for the record, here’s what I came up with (in no particular order):

E.T.
High Fidelity
American Beauty
Lost in Translation
The Royal Tenenbaums

are my tastes mainstream because these all happened to be very commercial movies? am i wacky because i like offbeat humour? am i immature because i still cling to e.t.? probably a little of all of the above, but none overwhelmingly so (though I’m sure others will disagree). these are the few movies that have stirred me and changed me in strange and indefinable ways. these are the movies that matter in my emotional landscape. but does this visual collage make up a snapshot of who i am?

in another example, time recently came out with a list of the 100 best english language novels since 1923. it’s an interesting list, and it turns out I’ve read 22 of these books, which is a decent chunk, for someone who has no hard and fast criteria. I mean, I generally read contemporary fiction, but the “classics” are classic for a reason. yet, if I had to pick my top five all time favourite books, they’d be:

mary poppins – p.l. travers
cat’s eye – margaret atwood
nine stories – j.d. salinger
a tree grows in brooklyn – betty smith
the accidental tourist – anne tyler

two contemporary books, and three childhood favourites, nothing completely unpredictable. of all the books i’ve read, these are the only ones i know i’ve read over and over again. in a way, i worry that my recent favourites will not stand the test of time. and some of the best-written books i’ve read, have also been the hardest to read. for example, i just finished “the god of small things” which was perhaps the most memorably written book i’ve ever read, the striking use of language and plot-building. But will I read it again? i’m not sure – it didn’t affect me in the way that these books did. also, there is only one male author on the list when in reality, most of what i read is written by men – very sexist men, in fact. men like bukowski and hemingway and easton ellis. in fact, i’m not quite sure this list is truly representative of anything except habit – a safe list of books that i find pleasingly soothing to re-read. and i guess what someone could take away from that is that i like comforting novels (although notably, both anne tyler and margaret atwood write with predominant themes of alienation and disaffection, which are hardly cozy). something unidenitfiable about these books speaks to me, and I’d be hard pressed to figure out what or why. yet they are my literary equivalent of hot cocoa.

in any case, you can draw what conclusions you like, or none at all. i’ve found it hard to try not to alter my lists towards what i think would make me look more eclectic, or intellectual, or well-rounded. to be truthful in the face of critique and judgement. but if you were to set out your own list, what would I think of you?

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a little mid-weekend nugget: see the new playlist in the sidebar

(okay, in case you can’t actually find it waaaaay over there, here it is… )

MP3 playlist (M3U)

podcast feed here

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Can I just say, we made *sushi* for dinner tonight, and it was fan-tastic (even if we need a little more practice to make it pretty!) Aside from the rolling bit, it’s not even that hard…

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jonno has long been a fan of the animated series “family guy”. personally, while i thought it was mildly amusing, i was never all that fussed over it. but consider me a staunch support as of today, since the parent’s television council has decried it as one of the most “family unfriendly shows” on american tvs.

“Family Guy” ” contained scenes in which characters are shown having sex and topics such as masturbation, incest, bestiality, and necrophilia are routinely discussed,”

the p.t.c. says “Hollywood does not care about families.”

Ummm, hello, welcome to earth. Seriously, since when was television a public service? television exists for one reason, and one reason only: to make money. It makes money by selling you stuff. Television may be entertaining, but it owes its entire existence to the almighty advertising dollar. The medium may be different to the golden olden days of radio when they were selling ivory soap, but the message is the same. the only reason there was less sex on tv in the early days, was simply that we were a less sophisticated viewing/marketing audience.

if there’s one thing living in the uk has made abundantly clear, is that the u.s. stridently *pretend* to uphold our prudish puritanical roots, whilst simultaneously being the most sexually hypocritical society on earth. so we are laughingstocks on both counts. a) we’re not fooling anyone, and b) the fact that we seem blissfully ignorant that we’re not fooling anyone, makes it twice as amusing.

We are consistently inconsistent. We tell people, “Be sexy, but not *TOO* sexy, and don’t *HAVE* sex, even though we’ll use sex to *SELL* stuff to you, and selling sex is *BAD*, and sex is between *ADULTS*, except when young *GIRLS* look like *WOMEN*, and then it’s *OKAY* to be sexy, but not *TOO* sexy.”

we’re so blatantly hypocritical, in fact, that we manage to fuck up whole generations of children by sending all sorts of mixed messages, rather than just doing what the rest of the world does, and leaving the tits and ass til after the kiddies have gone to bed – and then indulge unashamedly in the hilarity and pleasure of the human body.

and shockingly enough, even with talk about sex and real, live nakedness on television, the kids here grow up no more depraved than in the u.s. (and some would say less so). so really, now… who’s fooling who? I’ll take “family guy” over “leave it to beaver” any day.

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whilst i’m “working from home”, i think it’s time for another peek at what tickles my funnybone these days…

in case you missed it, here’s jon stewart’s take on the avian flu threat. (I realise I have professed my love for jon stewart before here and here, but now that I can catch “the daily show”, well… daily, my crush has grown by leaps and bounds.) Some would say the bird flu is no laughing matter. But they would be wrong. the hype surrounding something which has killed 60 people in two years, is all just symptomatic of the dumbening of society – which makes it ripe for gut-busting humour.

Meanwhile, I admit I’m a late arrival to gofugyourself, but this has to be the funniest photo of britney spears i’ve ever seen in my life. and lord knows, the girl has had some *bad* photos. I’ve been laughing at the fuglyness all morning.

Ya know, *i* could look that bad. Hell, I _do_ look that bad. And I don’t have the benefit of several hundred million dollars and personal slaves. With all that money, you’d think she could hire someone to stop her from walking out the door looking like garbagewater.

and from wikipedia, a list of made up words from “the simpsons”, of which my current faves are:

jerkass: A combination of the words “jerk” and “jackass,” used by Homer, in the episode “The Joy of Sect.” This term is also used to describe Homer’s behavior during some recent seasons, primarily during seasons 10-12, and rising up briefly in season 16.

Sacrilicious: Homer’s description of his act of eating a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling, which he was praying to as if it were God. A portmanteau of sacrilegious and delicious.

with so many craptacular words to choose from, I have decided to make it my personal mission to incorporate as many as possible into my everyday vocabulary. note the title of this post, by way of example.

now wasn’t that just groin-grabbingly transcendent?

p.s. – just noticed that my use of blockquotes seems to make my blogs slide off the left of the bottom of the blog page when viewed in i.e. How very peculiar. There’s just no way to win… grrrr.

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the top 40 u.s. magazine covers of the last 40 years

even if you never read the magazines, you remember seeing these.

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every once in a while, you remember the stuff that really matters. you run across something that reminds you about how you want to live your life, about how you could live more in the moment, be more aware and present in daily life, about how you wish you could throw off the restrictions and trappings of everyday existence and be truly happy and free.

a few years ago, i made a list called “101 things to do before i die”. some people have other types of lists: 43 things and 101 things in 1001 days. me, i have 101 things to do before i die.

the point of my list is not to accomplish them all. it’s not to cross things off, so that i can say i’ve lead an interesting life or to do lots of daredevil things. some of them are things which are not within my control to achieve. they’re not the most profound things. they’re not even that interesting to most. that’s not the point.

the point is simply this: to remind myself never to get complacent. to never take stuff for granted, and to never allow myself the luxury of regret. it is my reminder that life is too short. i will likely never cross them all off, and i could die tomorrow. it may sound morbid to think that way, but i find it enormously freeing. because it strips you of all ego. the things i do in this life are only of consequence in so much as they affect other’s lives. this is what will remain if i get hit by a bus tomorrow: how well did i treat people yesterday? was i kind? did i tell them i loved them?

steve jobs gave a commencement speech to stanford university, where he said:

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

it’s easy to remember here and now. not so easy to remember when i get irritated and bored and lazy in life. not always so easy to reconcile when my choices are self-serving.

but i try.

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because the devastation in new orleans wasn’t bad enough, the freakish born-agains are calling it punishment from god

When Hurricane Katrina slammed into New Orleans, submerging entire neighborhoods for weeks with its ferocious tidal surge, some say it was not a freak act of nature but a message from an angry God.

That’s the belief of some Christians in the United States, who have been warning the Mardi Gras capital, long known for its hedonistic ways, was bucking for a good dose of divine retribution

they need a good slap.

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yucky. last night was chris’s birthday, and we all had drinks at their local. I had, perhaps 5 glasses of wine over the course of the evening. however upon waking this morning it quickly became evident that significant portions of my memory were missing. for instance, i have no recollection of anything which happened after we left the pub, including the 2 hours we went back to c & t’s afterward, the beer and other drinks i consumed there, the 20 minute walk home, or trying to get into bed with my boots on. this is all a bit concerning not only because i drink perhaps three times a month, tops, don’t think i was all that sloshed in the first place, and my tolerance seems to be declining at a worrisome rate, *but also* (in fact, mostly) because i have to rely on jonno’s say so that i didn’t, in fact, commit any drunken sins which might have transgressed my moral boundaries, or minimum dignity and self-esteem thresholds. i love and trust him but a) he was drinking too and b) he may very well be holding information in reserve for future use. he’s having just a little too much fun calling me his “little drunkard”.

goodness. anyway, feeling pretty crap today. this little tidbit has also done nothing to enhance my mood.

After a Wal-Mart employee turned in a high school student’s anti-Bush poster to the police, the Secret Service came calling.

what the fuck kind of police state *is* the u.s. these days??! i shudder to think.

watched sin city which was really good. very original, and a brilliant way to adapt a graphic novel – you really get a “comic strip” feel, without it detracting or distracting from the storyline. recommended, even if the motion did make my already fragile stomach rather queasy.

hope your weekend was less nauseous than mine!

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mi6, the “secret intelligence service” of the uk, now has an official website.

As Britain’s secret service, SIS provides the British Government with a global covert capability to promote and defend the national security and economic well-being of the United Kingdom.

SIS operates world-wide to collect secret foreign intelligence in support of the British Government’s policies and objectives.

ya know, secrecy just ain’t what it used to be.

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this is quite possibly the saddest phenomenon going.

Go ahead. Flinch at the notion of a man having sex with an imitation woman and classify him: Lonely loser. Pathological creep. Misogynist. Potential rapist. Sicko. True enough, some men who have sex with Real Dolls are creepy — not the kind of guy you’d want to be alone with — and many are tragically lonely. But some defend their Real Doll fetish as being no different than a 3-D version of a Playboy centerfold. Then there are men who are disfigured or infirm and can only have sex with a prosthetic lover. And those like Davecat, for whom a Real Doll is a “teddy bear with benefits.”

i’ve seen these featured on hbo’s “real sex” series, and there was a whole show dedicated to them on telly here the other night (okay, I just realised that makes me sound like I watch a lot of sex shows. really, i don’t). there is obviously a huge market for fake-human, dead-eyed sex dolls.

the appeal? I suppose i can understand how there are lots of people out there who just aren’t gettin’ any, whether they’re socially defective in some way, or just through circumstance. what i find really depressing about the whole thing is that I have the feeling part of this is due to the disconnect from “real life” that it’s so easy to experience these days. i mean, most days, we spend more time interacting with computers than we do with humans. that may be a wild generalisation, but i think it’s a fairly accurate one. i truly believe it is possible to grow up completely ignorant of general social mores, physical human cues, true relating on an interpersonal level. these are things you only learn through years of experience around humans. but these days children are spoonfed television while they’re pre-verbal. they can be homeschooled and kept indoors on computers and video games to such a degree that they are nearly insulated from *life*. then you hit those awkward teen years, when you don’t really understand how you feel about the opposite (or same) sex, and fear of rejection is so painfully acute. so you beat off to magazines and manga-zines. suddenly you’re an adult, and you’re expected to already have figured out the rules of dating and sex and it becomes to embarrassing to reveal your lack of experience.

i can totally see that happening – and then turning to this not-so-niche market to satisfy their desires. It’s like when you were a kid and used to practice kissing on your pillow, just on an older, wider, and much more expensive scale. i can almost understand that.

what i can’t understand is those people who try to “normalise” it by pretending it’s just another kink. because unless you consider it “normal” to have sex with the equivalent of a dead (albeit silicone) body, it’s soooo not. these are the people who describe their “relationships” with their dolls. They anthropomorphise their dolls to an extent which is really skin-crawling. and if they are capable of twisting their brains that way, i shudder to think what else they’re capable of.

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more tube travails today. this is certainly not the my first tube rant, and unlikely to be my last. the northern line was entirely shut down due to a strike, and is likely to stay closed through the weekend. which means that i had to walk an hour to work in the rain (something I *won’t* be able to do after we move office this weekend). the fun just never stops sometimes. (I hear what you’re thinking already – why didn’t i catch a bus? well, i would have… if even *one* stinking bus had come past in the hour long slog up the high street! if i’d waited for a bus, lemme tell ya, i’d still be waitin’)

i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again: the tube is the most poorly run public service i’ve ever had the misfortune to use. it’s a lottery – you buy your ticket, and you take your chances. what kind of way is that for a city to operate, i ask? “Hmmm, I just spent £2.60… do I feel lucky today?” And don’t get me started on the cost, since they’re raising the fare yet again in the new year.

only 23 more weeks – this little countdown has become my daily mantra. i have been trying to convince myself that it will pass really really quickly. only 2 weeks until we go to visit my family in the states. once we come back, it’ll be the runup to the holiday season and christmas break. after new years it’s only a short while until easter. and after easter, it’ll be all downhill from there! these are the little games I play to get myself out of bed some mornings.

i wish i could think of something positive or witty to say about all this chaos, but i’m wet and my feet hurt. maybe tomorrow on my walk into work, i’ll have time to ponder it.

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Because I can’t leave well enough alone! I know when it comes to layout, cleaner is better. But at the same time, I don’t want my site to look like everyone else’s. Plus, the cross-browser discrepancy is really annoying me. So I am cheating (behind the scenes). You might see some of it over the weekend.

but, no one cares about that!

my office is moving at the end of the week, and I am rather sad about it. the building we are currently in is condemnable (really!) but it’s also located in a fun, hip part of the city, with lots of great shopping, restaurants for lovely lunches, funky pubs, along with a lot of conveniences like a good supermarket and post office. we are moving to a fab building in vauxhall, which is all shiny and flash (brad pitt has just bought a penthouse suite!) but has absolutely nothing in the way of amenities. It’s also a longer journey in the mornings. no more popping out to pick up a birthday gift at lunchtime, or buying some vegetables for dinner on the way home, or going to the pub for after-work drinks. it’s not far from home for me, but it’s different not being able to be there daily.

<*sigh*>

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The state of the union: Only 28% of americans think the country is headed in the right direction. More disturbingly, 66% think it is not. His approval rating is only 39%. A lesser man might actualy be forced to rethink his policy and public agenda. But not Bush! No sir. In case you wonder what I think of Bush, let me clarify: he can suck it.

Meanwhile, Masshole governor romney, (the pride of my homestate) sounds suspiciously like he’s eyeing a presidential run.

”They’re not just intent on blowing up a little bomb here and there at a shopping mall, awful as that would be. They want to bring down our government, bring down our entire economy. They want to put in place a huge theocracy.”

……

Romney, who has yet to announce whether he will seek the 2008 GOP presidential nomination, drew criticism from some Muslims and civil liberties advocates last month when he raised the prospect of wiretapping mosques and conducting surveillance of foreign students.

This is the same guv who’s tried to prohibit gay marriages for out-of-staters by enforcing a 1913 law enacted to prohibit interracial marriage. In case you’re wondering how I feel about Mitt Romney, let me clarify: he can go suck it.

and hitting closer to home for me, the bbc wants more funding through an increase of the tv tax. yes, that’s right – here in th UK, you have to pay a tax for the “priviledge” of owning a tv. approximately £120 per year. this is actually, for all intents and purposes, a public subsidy, much like we subsidise the NEA and public television in the u.s. however, the tv tax is a stupid idea all around, as it is, in effect, a flat tax (since almost no households are telly-free), and considering they spend £200million collecting, enforcing and prosecuting the tv tax for 2 million evaders (at £120 a piece), it’s hardly cost efficient! Just increase our income tax by £100/year, and fund the bbc that way. I’ll hardly miss the £10/paycheque, but i’ll resent the hell out of having to “renew my license” every single year.

The bbc already receives over £2billion per year, and churns out such pap as holby city. In case you wonder how I feel about the television tax, let me clarify: they can suck it.

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Canadians will know of Rick Mercer.  He’s done a bunch of segments called "talking to americans"

You must watch them. Americans can be really dumbass stoopid.

DID YOU KNOW that the capitol building of Canada is a big ass Igloo? Arkansas Governor Michael Huckabee did!

Also – the Ig-Nobel awards. whereby we recognise the contributions of the men who invented fake dog balls and settled the longstanding scientific question: can people swim faster in syrup or in water?

that’s more than enough for one day…

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so, after an infinite number of hours spent trying to make this look good in both ie and forefox, this is as good as it gets for the moment.  I’m not a web designer – i just play one on t.v.  in the meantime, if anyone knows how to make things better (particularly how to make my java links menu show up), i’m all ears. if I can get that to show up, I’ll make firefox the default, but for now, if you want to see what it’s really supposed to look like, you’ll either have to view it in explorer, or use your imagination.  and i still haven’t migrated the other pages over yet.  for now they’ll stay as is.

however, i have decided to go ahead and make the leap to wordpress.  if you haven’t guessed already, this is it.  i am hoping that for most of you this looks pretty much the same – but if it’s all too wonky, please let me know.  it’s a big leap of faith to stop updating via blogger – which is what i’ve been doing almost since my site’s inception.  it’s like leaving my safety net behind.  eek.

i’m still very much a newbie to php and mysql stuff, so if there are growing pains, please try to excuse them. 

ciao ciao

jen 

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