…spend a few hours trying to learn how to change from blogger, to a server-side open-source platform…

…set up php and SQL on host, download software, install…

…have the whole goddamn process hang up for an hour and a half while you figure out why it won’t connect to the database…

…finally realise that the sql database has a different password to your regular account…

…which is actually the random password they assign when the account was first set up…

…dig through old emails to find old password…

…finally log in, and realise…

…you’re now too fucking tired to even play around with your fancy new toy.

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praise the lord. the boston bruins have released their 2005-2006 schedule!

miracles do happen.

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Lordy.

Garratt Terrace is a little side street around the corner from my house that we use to cut through to the High St and Tube station – walk up and down it a minimum of 2x a day, sometimes more. It’s not even a half a block away from my house.

This morning, on my way to the Tube, it was blocked off from end to end with police tape and about 40 police there… And then I read this. My work colleague confirmed that one of the arrests took place there, and another just around the corner.

This is getting really freaky now. It’s one thing when the terrorists are “somewhere else”, but when they’re right around the corner from my house…taking busses on my street… using my daily Tube station… when I am carrying my groceries past terrorist hideouts – well it’s all just a little surreal now.

walking home, there are all kinds of tv cameras up and down the street. it’s all very unnerving.

in other news, Senator rick santorum, the third ranking party republican and potential prez. nominee for 2008 – the same senator who equated homosexuality with man-on-child and man-on-dog sex, said that boston’s “liberal” atmosphere made priests molest children, and equated democratic blocking of judicial nominees with adolf hitler - has decided he’s sticking to his guns. no wishy-washy backpeddling for him, nosiree!

read what my journalist friend mike blanding has to say about the illustrious senator

i’m going to go hide under my bedcovers now…

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was going to write a nice long blog about all kinds of stuff, but instead I wasted all my energy and typing skills arguing online with someone about racial profiling and the “shoot-to-kill” policy, so now I’m really quite tired. (there’s a certain point of the day where i am a good typist – it’s usually after about an hour or two of warmup, lasts for all of about 24 minutes, and everything just goes downhill from there…)

i hate arguing with someone who not only can’t follow your line of reasoning, but who can’t even follow their own! you know, they start changing their argument halfway through – or as soon as they realise your logic whips their ass. or… they make a big giant circle with their argument, and don’t even realise they’ve arrived back at the beginning. or… they shift the topic of argument right underneath your feet, you know, the goalposts are constantly moving, because they either forget what the original question was, or they realise they don’t know enough to debate coherently. that’s what my energy was wasted on today.

me – I love to argue. and i love it even more when i’m defending a position i don’t even believe, or playing devil’s advocate. i like to bait people and nitpick, and summon whole theories out of thin air, just to be contrary or try and huff-and-puff their argument down. but most of the time, i won’t argue unless i know a lot about the topic. i wait until the deck is stacked in my favour, and then i get into the ring. but once i start, i want to go the full 10 rounds. i want to see some substance and originality in the counterpoints. i want to see something heavy-duty behind the facade. i want to see what the argument and arguer are made of.

mostly i just like to make people concede, admit i could have a point, or bow out. if you can’t stand the heat, get outta the kitchen. i like to be challenged, to try to think my way out of a corner. i like making my brain work against a skilled opponent. and then, after my victory, i like to get in the last word.

but even more than winning, i like to be *right*.

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this weekend in summary:
– bought 4 books. charity shops are da bomb.
– gave myself a pedicure. i am a foot snob, and crusty feet are a no-no.
– made a passing attempt at cleaning. this was a nominal effort, the kind where you just want the credit for trying.
– made a surprisingly tasty first attempt at chicken pot pie from scratch. i was inspired by some leftover corn on the cob and mushrooms that needed using. add
chicken and onions and gravy… voila! how did i get to this age without ever making a pot pie? i’ve also never made a meatloaf – the shame!
– watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the original). every time i see it i am surprised by how adult a movie it is. plus, that’s just my dream-come-true – a candy factory. i could watch that movie every day just for the daydream factor.
– worked on the website – just for fun. do i really need a reason? spent ages trawling through great retro pictures of pinup girls.
– made zucchini bread (i just *can’t* call it courgette bread, that’s so wrong!), which would’ve come out perfect, if i hadn’t dropped it on the counter and shattered it into a million crumbly pieces. still tasted good though.
– drank way too much coffee.

i have come to the conclusion that i get bored far too easily. or rather, more accurately, i am unable to entertain myself on a budget. i’ve always had a fairly low threshold for boredom, but now that i can’t just go to the movies, or go shopping, or do crafts, or really anything that involves money, added to the “what do i do with my hands if i’m not smoking”… well, let’s just say my husband would be well within his rights to file for divorce by now. I get whingy, and cranky, and pretty much miserable to be around. usually i write, and mess around on the computer, and read and bake. but once i’ve done all that, i start bouncing off the walls and being insufferable. if we had any furniture, i would’ve rearranged it. poor, patient j!

last night the neighbours bbq’d and we ended up talking about tattoos. and i was telling stories about all my tattooist friends from that era, all my piercings, and wild hair, and give-a-fuck attitude. seems like a lifetime ago now, but sometimes i still really miss that girl that i was. more on that later.

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ran across some old tattoo flash (commercial designs – the kind you pick off the wall) last night, which gave me the inspiration to start a 50s retro tat theme here. oh the things i do to amuse myself. some people knit – i toil at the website. there was tons more I wanted to include, but the design is a bit busy even as it is. and before y’all yell at me, yes, i know, i’m sure it looks crap in any browser besides i.e., but my perseverance only goes so far.

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it just keeps coming, doesn’t it?

I had a meeting first thing this morning out in west norwood. i was definitely on edge getting back on the tube, but arrived at my meeting feeling much better. on my way back from the meeting, i am waiting, waiting, waiting for the overland train, and they keep saying “cancelled”, so i call the office and they tell me that a suspected suicide bomber was killed by police in a tube station, shutting down half the system, again.

Never thought I’d be relieved to heard about someone getting killed… Never though I’d be coming down on the side of “justifiable deadly force” by a police officer.

finally made it to the office by bus. then had to get home by bus. sitting at the top, i was impossible not to look around at my fellow travellers, eyeing them up.

it has been a long and tiring week, my nerves are frayed, and i am going to go have a tall stiff drink.

have a good weekend everyone. be safe.

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I can’t deal with any more panic stations…

Seriously, now. I’ve had enough. I’m tired of getting that sickening, sinking feeling in my stomach wondering what the fuck is happening to the world, who is trying to hurt people, and who is getting hurt.

I am tired, and angry that people can make me feel like this. I hate the fact they can pop my happy little bubble in an instant, and make me cry for no reason.

I am tired of having to make phone calls to ensure my loved ones are okay, and to ensure them that *I’m* okay.

I’m ranting here. But I was panicked, and then relieved, and now I’m furious and exhausted at the same time, and there is *nothing i can do about it********

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yesterday, j became a full fledged british citizen. wandsworth council had a special ceremony, with the mayor and invited speakers. jonno stood and pledged his allegiance and loyalty to the queen. and watching this, you start out thinking how corny the whole thing is, and you’re impatient for the formalities to be over. but somewhere along the line, amongst the parade of beaming new citizens, amongst the snapshots and family applause… somewhere in there, you start to get an appreciation for what a big deal this really is. for jonno and most of my friends, citizenship is a convenience – you put in your requisite time living and working in the uk, and acquire a nice new passport to make your travels and lifestyle a little easier. but for some people, this is the fulfillment of a dream. this means something better for their children. this is something they’ve fought hard for, because it *matters*.

it’s a humbling reminder not to take one’s fortunes of birth for granted. not everyone is so lucky as me.

a few pics of the newest citizen.

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overall, a peculiar kind of weekend!

friday evening, j, k, t and i went to a local open-air jazz festival. we brought wine, cheese, olives and bread and enjoyed some bluesy music to unwind from the week. really nice.

saturday, the newly nicotine-free j woke up at 7:00. which meant that *I* woke up at 7:00. we headed up to woolworth’s to pick up the new harry potter, then did some grocery shopping for the bbq on sunday. i came home and scrubbed the bathroom like a madwoman, did mountains of dishes. after burning off some energy, i spent the day in the sun reading with cocktails at the ready, and then we decided to go have a meal and catch a movie in wimbledon. as we were getting ready to leave, a woman was hit by a car outside our front door.

we didn’t actually see the hit, but heard the unmistakable sound of human hitting car and ran out to the balcony see what had happened. it looked like the woman was walking out from behind a bus in the crosswalk, just as a car came flying around the corner. she was hit hard enough to be thrown over the roof of the car, and leave a skull size imprint in the windscreen.

i have been waiting for an accident like this to happen, as buses just come flying around that corner, barely even tapping the brakes, taking the curb edge with the tyre, and I’ve almost been hit several times myself. now that there’s scaffolding up for demolition, it’s even harder to see any pedestrians around the corner.

luckily the woman appeared to be relatively okay – there were some emts from the local hospital right there, and lots of witnesses. but it never fails that when there’s an accident, all my adrenaline and emergency training starts kicking in, even if other people are already involved. it took a few minutes to shake off the effects, and wait for the police to arrive.

after it was clear that all would be okay, we left for our dinner & movie date. we went to see “war of the worlds”, and as much as i hate tom cruise, I’m really glad I saw it. it’s the first movie i have actually been scared by in ages. in fact, i can’t remember the last movie where I was frightened, and this one definitely had my heart pounding. spielberg is a master of building tension and edgy atmosphere, and the scenes were creepily similar to my childhood nightmares. thoroughly enjoyable.

sunday i woke up and made some potato salad and pie for the bbq. read more harry potter. cleaned up beer (the plastic bag split just as j was putting the sixpack on the counter, smashing several coronas all over the kitchen floor), and fired up the grill. all the band was there (k, stef, alex, and marco) along with significant others and assorted children. we stuffed ourselves silly. Chris and ton brought by their 4 day old jude john, and I spent several hours monopolising the baby.

i will also mention (though it still seems a bit premature to boast) that i am currently on my 3rd non-smoking day. needless to say, i have been more than a tad bitchy this weekend, and this also explains my cleaning frenzy, and why I am updating my blog at work, rather than doing… you know, actual work. in 72 hours, I have worked my way through about a kilo of mint imperials (you can always get teeth fixed – you can’t grow new lungs!) also, saturday (the morning j woke up at 7) was perhaps the longest day of my life. i was up from 7 am to 2 am, and even when you’re not looking at the clock every 20 seconds, nicotine withdrawal warps your perception, and time just slows to a standstill. I was so disappointed in myself after last time – i’d done so well for a month, and one big trauma sent me scrambling back to the ciggies. really stupid. anyway, i’m pretty darn determined this time. my sense of smell is already returning – it’s rubbish collection day, so my morning walk to the tube was pretty ripe. the joys of london. also, i have become the most accident prone person on the planet – my co-ordination is pretty bad at the best of times, but after this weekend, i am just all kinds of discombobulated. i swear, sometime i feel so disoriented, it’s like i’m high.

finally, j’s sister carey had a baby girl on Friday! I am now auntie to Rachel, of whom i am awaiting pics. there’s just babies sprouting everywhere these days…

jude john w.

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At work today, a few minutes to noon, several hundred people in my building filed outside and stood on the pavement. Shopkeepers, pedestrians, cyclists all came to a standstill out in the sun.

At twelve, a church bell tolled. Traffic halted. There was no speaking, no horns. It really was silent. Eveything stopped, and life was momentarily put on pause.

Two minutes is a long time when you’re really being observant. When you’re observing. Two minutes must seem a lifetime when you think you’re going to die.

When a crisis happens, and everything is chaos, people are dying, and you’re scared with no idea what the hell is going on as the world seems to be crumbling around you…it feels like life should just stop.

And today at noon, it did.

photo from guardian.co.uk

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wish i could say this kinda thing only happened in the us. but i’m pretty sure there are dumb and drunk guys worldwide. for future reference, shooting rockets from your ass is a bad idea.

the threat of londonistan to the u.s. from this op-ed, you’d think i was living in the middle of a bin laden training camp.

the renewed patriot act - civil rights suspended for 10 years, but not permanently. and of course, they used the london bombings as fuel for the fire.

a novel way to lose weight and gain 15 minutes of fame

interesting write up and observations about subway signage and the travails of mass transit on the paris metro, the tube, and the nyc subway.

…The New York subway system, as you might guess, is the most chaotic as well as the most complex…It’s sort of like the English language, where the exceptions seem to outnumber the rules. When I moved back there three years ago, it took me months of frustration before I remembered what I’d forgotten: that New Yorkers take great pride and perverse delight in mastering the intricacies of their subways… The lines have all been numbered or lettered, and color-coded, for more than thirty years, but you still hear people referring blithely to the “East Side IRT” or the “Lexington Avenue Local.”

ciao ciao for now now

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the weekend started off with all good intentions. friday night we were going to go watch some live jazz at a marketplace near to us, but by the time j got home he was cranky as all get-out, tired, uninspired, and there were threatening clouds above. so jazz night was scrapped in favour of vegetating on the couch, doing our best imitation of laying like broccoli.

so saturday dawned, and we had plans to do a big giant shop. for weeks now we’ve been subsisting on what i can fashion out of flour, parsley, and an old tin of coconut milk. i swear, we’ll be the first couple in the world to get malnutrition from sheer laziness.

the day came and went, and neither of us made a move to indicate activity. it was like a silent standoff.

with shopping falling by the wayside through inertia, we made plans to go see a movie *in the theater*, a rare and notable occassion. but as we were stirring towards the door, the neighbours invited us next door for a bbq, and the lure of charred meat nearly at our doorstep proved too much. we feasted and drank until we rolled back home at 2am. all in all, we ventured about 50 feet from our lounge the entire day.

sunday was now designated for shopping. but as if on cue, the sun appeared bright and warm, and i took my book out onto the balcony, intending to catch just a few rays of sun. before I knew it, it was past noon. the neighbours offered up an invite to the park, so we packed up the rest of the bbq meat, a pack of cards, and some stray beers… and spent the rest of the day playing poker under a shady tree, eating cold ribs and wings.

as the sun started to set, our friend mentioned a tescos nearby which was open 24 hours. determined to accomplish *something*, we drove over… only to find the car park deserted and, beneath the big “24 hour” sign, a microscopic disclaimer… “open til 4:00 on sundays.”

taking it as a message from god that we were clearly not meant to shop this particular weekend, we picked up some ice cream from the nearby offie, and headed home with ben & jerry to drown our sorrows.

who am I to question god’s divine intervention? now if he’ll only tell me what to make for dinner…

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well, i’ve been far to tired/busy/pre-occupied to write about my sister’s wedding, so i’ll do that now.

i left here on the thursday, and got into boston about 1:00pm. which is actually really sucky, because none of my family was able to take off work to come pick me up. not that i am incapable of taking public transportation – just that after a long and iritating flight, schlepping around another hour and a half of trains and buses is really kinda the last thing you feel like doing. but anyway, i’m a big girl, and made it to my mum’s house. she got back from work, and my sister and niece and nephew and newest babyniece all came to visit.

oh. my. god. the newest babyniece is named mackenzie, and i am so completely head over heels in love with her. i could eat her up with a spoon. my brother has more than his share of problems, but goddamn he makes some beautiful babies. she is sweet and gorgeous and so fucking happy in the way only an eight month old can be. i want her. forget about any of my own children. i want *her*.

anyway, friday was spent in vain at the dmv, yet again trying to get my license sorted. no dice. they truly suck ass. then my mum and i had lunch, did some shopping and had a lovely dinner at home.

saturday i got up bright and early and fought the horrendous holiday weekend traffic all the way to wellfleet (3+ hour drive!) to see vanessa & ben & gigi, alex & mike & newbaby zach, and maggie. we hung out at the pond, and watched the babies play in the water. it was soooo good to see them all, though I had to head back to kate’s place for the evening.

spent the night at kate’s place, and then it was the wedding day! the weather was perfectly gorgeous. kate got married at her bio-mom’s inn in yarmouth, which was just lovely. kate looked stunning (quite an accomplishment at 6 months pregnant!) and it was a small intimate and elegant affair, with a heavy red sox theme, as befitting the sports nuts we all are. i know that elegant and red sox in the same sentence sounds like a contradiction in terms, but you’ll just have to believe me when I tell you she pulled it off. Most importantly, they are really happy together – kind, easy, fun, and loving. that’s all that matters to me, and i can see them being happy together long into old age. i am genuinely touched by their love for each other.

monday morning, i headed into boston to meet up with johanna and see her baby miles – we spent a good long while walking and talking about her new life. i’m so glad i got to spend some time with her.

and then i had to catch my flight. it was all over with very quickly, but i’m so glad i got the opportunity to see the friends i have missed so dearly. and i wouldn’t have missed my sister’s wedding for the world.

it’s hard not being around. but sometime’s life is like that. you just gotta take your opportunities when they come around.

in case you missed it, the wedding/baby/family/rare-jen-in-a-dress pics are here

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observations:

the british stiff upper lip really comes in handy at a time like this. most of the reaction i’ve read can be summed up as “is that the best you can do? i fart in your general direction.”

cheers for getting the tube and buses running again. but most people I know want nothing to do with them today. myself included. My manager decided we could all work from home today, and even though it seems pathetic, that’s what I’m doing. i see no need to stress myself unnecessarily with trying to take the tube.

very strange how everything is supposedly “back to normal”. as if nothing of note happened. it’s almost a little *too* normal. i mean, jesus, we were bombed by terrorists, not sneezed on. I think that deserves some pause for thought.

the choice of targets seems a bit strange to me. while king’s cross, liverpool and the others are all big central stations, why nothing at victoria, waterloo, or clapham junction?

but i suppose life doesn’t stop for anything, so we might as well just get on with getting on.

so that’s what I’ll go do now.

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it’s such a strange feeling: to have something so big happen, and have so very little to say about it. in many ways, i feel very numb. i’ve expected something like this to happen since i moved here, and to find it finally happening before my very eyes feels almost anti-climactic. there’s a sense of “oh yeah, that’s what i thought.”

i’m not putting this very well.

instead, i think what i originally wrote about the madrid bombings is very poignant in hindsight, so i’ll just reprise it here:

I’m scared. I’m scared and so deeply deeply sad for the fathomless capacity of man’s inhumanity toward man. There no longer seem to be any limits to what we will do to each other, in a time when causing pervasive fear and random chaos has become the ultimate tool of any group with a political agenda or an axe to grind. In a climate where recognition and respect for an otherwise fringe cause is proportional to the size of the violence it can perpetrate.

it makes sense when you apply it to al qaida or eta or the ira. but try it on for size with bush and israel and zimbabwe, and see whether the shoe fits as well?

and I am so fcking *mad* with the u.s. we pay all sorts of lip service to wiping out global terrorism, and yet constantly, insistently perpetuate it through our actions, leaving people bewildered as to why our “war on terrorism” is so clearly *not working*, failing massively, in fact, and at a mind-numbing loss as for what other approach to take. we don’t know any other way of thinking about it.

i don’t know how to live in this kind of world. *no one* knows how to live in this kind of world. and that’s why the strategy of fear is so effective. that’s why walking down the street in a major metropolitan city feels like being at the center of a giant bullseye. that’s why daily goddamn news reports of suicide bombers and masses of civilians dying barely register a blip on our mental radar. that’s why it’s so hard to remember that we didn’t always have that small permanent gnawing knot at the pit of our collective stomach.

there’s got to be another way to live. it’s just a matter of how long it will take people to wake up and cry out for something more than *this*…

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london was bombed by terrorists today. it’s been a surreal and scary day, with overtones of deja vu. there was crying and sadness and fear and chaos and sirens everywhere. i don’t really know what else to say about it at the moment, because it’s hard to process. right now, i just want j to be home, but unfortunately with transport at a standstill, it looks like he’s going to have to walk the 8 miles so won’t get home until late.

i can’t wait to see him and hold him tight.

it’s a crazy fucked up world.

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i’m shattered. will write about the wedding and visit tomorrow, but for now, the pics are here. warning: many many many baby pictures.

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In the states at the moment, but am well and truly pissed off.

O’Connor resigns: goodbye legalised abortion. As the key swing vote on upholding a woman’s right to choose, I predict dire days ahead for women’s rights in the u.s.fucking-a. I can’r even put words to my fears.

zimbabwe continues to steamroll people – literally. and south africa won’t take a stand. this is not because they agree with what’s happening, but more because they are afraid to undermine any political pull they might have with mugabe, by being seen as a puppet of western coutries. in the meantime, they continue to provide massive amounts of zimbabwe’s electricty, yet refuse to consider using that as leverage to bring about change. primarily, because they fear the potential for a destabilising civil war, and the implications for s.a. as their neighbour. this article is spot on

right, going back to trying to enjoy my holiday now… where are those earplugs and blindfold?

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